Officially

I'm not pregnant. I went in for the blood draw this morning and they called this afternoon with the results. I'm sad, but strangely at peace with this. I firmly believe that every feeling we have is a choice, and I'm choosing to be ok with this. I will always wish we'd had more---a slew of kids!---but we have one pretty terrific one, so now it's about being happy for that. And I am...extremely so! How lucky am I to have this kid? Easily the luckiest mom in the world!

So now, I'm done trying. Oddly, it's a very freeing feeling! Oh, we may still try, but not like before. Yes, I did get pregnant once naturally, but look how well that turned out. NOT something I want to repeat...EVER. (by that, I mean the miscarriage part)

I'd rather just enjoy my life with my husband and sweet boy. I want to plan family vacations to Disney World and Paris and DC, and I want to spend the rest of my life watching the wonder in my child's eyes. I want to know that his heart skips a beat the first time he sees the Eiffel Tower, just as mine did 25+ years ago. I want to see him shriek with excitement at seeing Mickey Mouse and Donald Duck, and watch his eyes widen during the descent at the end of Splash Mountain. I want to take him to Lucca, Italy to see where his anscestors are from. I want to take pictures of him on his first day of school every year, and watch him master the water slides at the pool each summer. THESE are stuff my dreams are made of.

In a way, I feel like our life as a family is just now beginning. We're complete, and from here is a world of new discoveries, being a family of 3. And that's kinda cool!

Preliminary reports indicate...

Unfortunately, it looks as though Jackson will be an only child. While my official blood test isn't until Friday, all the pee tests to this point have been negative. When I was pregnant with Jackson, I knew several days before the official test (like, by now). I'm sad, but I'm ok with this and feel like at least now, I'll be sufficiently emotionally prepared to hear Friday's negative result. I'm thankful every day of my life that I have Jackson, so that's something to be VERY happy about!!

Now...it's on to other things. Like my poor office, which for the past 2 years has been horribly neglected in the hopes of turning it into another baby's room. Since that won't be happening, I've decided to turn it into....(wait for it)....AN OFFICE! That's my goal for this month, to have a real, functioning office by the start of September. I'd like to be able to see the carpet on the floor, and know in what bin I put every little craft item. Not too much to ask! Knowing how I am though, I fear there will be a lot of distractions (like cleaning out the guest room, and the linen closet, and the attic storage....), but I'm determined to stick to my office plan.

Enjoy this weather! We've had the house opened up for more than a week now, and it's wonderful to have some fresh air in here!

Ass in air...CHECK!

In the beginning, Jackson was the nubbin.

Baby #2 (who didn't make it) was the nugget.

Now, I introduce to you....NIBLET.

Yes, we have an embryo. Everything went smoothly this afternoon! We made our way downtown Chicago to 900 N. Michigan, bypassed the stores and headed up to Dr. Morris (who resembles Rahm Emanuel...and I pointed that out to him...), and got an embryotic deposit. DONE. We got home and I'm now spending the rest of today and most of tomorrow with my butt in the air. Not literally, but there's a pillow under there. I'm an incubator.

Now we wait. We'll have a bloodtest late next week, then one a few days later, and if all goes well, they'll keep close check on me until I'm "released" to my regular OB. Or this will all end next week. I'm bracing myself for that, but damn, it's not easy.

I won't lie---I want this to work. I REEEEEALLY want this to work. I keep remembering that the chances are so much lower with only one little niblet in there. I'll be pretty damned disappointed if this doesn't work.

I shouldn't have named it. But I did.

Keep your fingers crossed. My mom is coming tomorrow to spend the morning with Jackson until he goes down for a nap, then I'm on my own. I spent 48 hours on the couch the last time we went through this...this time is only 24. I just hope it's enough.

*sigh*

The BIG DAY!

Tomorrow's it! We head to the city in the late morning for an early afternoon transfer. Unfortunately, we found out our insurance doesn't cover the cost of the facility (the doc is covered, and this is the only place he does these things), so we'll have to pay a hefty fee---that's weighing heavily on me, especially since the chances of this working are so slim. I'd feel better about paying if we had 3 embryos going in, but it's just one. One lone little nugget hoping to stick.

Think positive thoughts for us!!

Down the barrel

We're now looking down the barrel at a transfer this Thursday! I'm nervous, scared, excited, and VERY hormonal all at the same time. And bloated. Let's not forget bloated. I have a quick ultrasound on Wednesday and if all goes well (and it's expected to), we'll be well on our way the next day. Auntie Ria will come watch the little one, and hopefully we can get Grandma to come take over things on Friday so I can keep my ass in the air (by the way, this isn't a requirement, but I did it when Jackson's embryo was implanted and I'm going to stick to my feeble theory!!).

This past weekend was a flurry of activity! We went to Waynee World with Paul's family. It was a fun time, though exhausting with 3 little kids running around. The weather didn't cooperate the whole time, so there was some rain to deal with, but we still had a good time. It's almost impossible NOT to have a good time at Waynee World!

While we were gone, Aunt Cake decided it would be a good time to get herself as sick as she could and admitted to a hospital. HELLO! Thankfully, it was a bad sinus and upper respiratory infection. I don't think any of us could handle another cancer diagnosis in the family.

I went for a meeting today with the Early Intervention people about having Jackson evaluated for his lack of speech. It seems like a great program and I think his evaluation will be in the next couple of weeks. I did learn that there could be some correlation between his lack of speech and his constant need to bite/chew everything he gets his hands on. I wouldn't have put those 2 things together, but I'm definitely eager to learn more!

New words: up, 'bo (elbow, or bib....sadly, this comes from Paul and I always calling his bib a "Bell Bib Devoe",. after the 80's music group Bell Biv Devoe), and help, which sounds an awful lot like up, but Paul swears he hears a distant "l" sound in there.

Keep all fingers crossed for Thursday!!!