Thinking back

I've been thinking a lot about how my life has changed in the last year. I think the biggest change I can see (in myself) is that my life is no longer about just me. I mean, I've been married over 4 years but even after Paul and I started dating and eventually got married, I still thought of my life as ME. But this last year, it's been all about Jackson. He's the first thing I think of in the morning and the last thing I think of before going to sleep. EVERYTHING I do in my life revolves around him and his needs. I had a lot of bad habits before having him, mostly related to eating (I'd forget, or I'd just eat junk), and it scared me having a child who depended on me getting him to eat and drink on time everyday...and nutritiously! But I do it, and I like to think I do a pretty damn good job at it! That's not to say my own eating habits have gotten better--they haven't (I still forget meals sometimes, or sometimes I eat a package of cookie dough), but I haven't missed once where Jackson's concerned. Sounds silly, I'm sure, but it's a big deal for me! I think that was something I feared before becoming a parent--forgetting those basic necessities for myself is one thing, but I can't do that to my child. And I'm proud to say I don't! ☺

It still surprises me sometimes how strongly I feel for Jackson. I know every parent feels this way about their child(ren). I grew up babysitting other people's kids, but never really felt this way. When my nieces and nephews came along, I felt a lot stronger towards them than I had kids in the past, but now having Jackson, I realized I've never felt for another human being like I feel for him. At times, I'm paralyzed by a fear that something bad will happen to him--this comes from years of reading the blogs and web pages of families who have had to deal with sick and dying children, as well as seeing family members suffer from cancer and other illnesses. My own damn fault for reading too much. I just hope that certain methods of research become more prevalent. I'm a HUGE proponent of stem cell research and the possibility of cures that come from that. My hope is that I'll see a cure for cancer in my lifetime, and that it never befalls my child or any other child in my family or among my friends.

I like to think that I'm far less selfish and narcissistic than I once was. I still have my moments, I'm sure, but they're few and far between, it seems.

One funny thing...Paul and I have become WAY more goofy now than we ever were! And let me tell you--we were pretty damn goofy before Jackson came along. It's far worse now! I can only imagine what this child will think of us someday. We'll embarrass the hell out of him, that's for sure! I hope that of all the qualities he could get from us, humor would be high on the list. I'm not saying we're funny, but...oh hell, we're pretty damn funny sometimes! The thing I want is for Jackson to see how much Paul and I love each other. We're always affectionate and teasing each other, but we also very much respect each other, and I hope Jackson gets that. We do a lot of little things for each other, always without complaining, and we do our best to help each other along the way. We fight sometimes, and we do get mad (mostly at the dog, who's taken to peeing everywhere these days), but it's always short-lived.

I'm done rambling for now....but check back later this week. I'm feeling very nostalgic these days. Haha!