The downside to being a SAHM

The last couple of weeks, I've come to realize that there's a dark side to being a stay-at-home mom. While I love what I do now and I feel lucky every single day to have the priviledge of staying home with my child when not everyone does, it has some downsides and I'm really seeing them these days.

I don't leave the house much during the week. Part of that is due to the cold weather and not wanting to take Jackson (or myself, for that matter) out in it. Also, there's a part of me that feels very guilty for spending money, so I avoid shopping or doing things that cost too much. Might sound ridiculous, but money is always a concern to me. Always has been, and no matter how much money we have in savings, it always will be. Even spending money on gas makes me feel bad.

Being holed up in this house has taken a toll on us both. I feel sometimes like Jackson's tired of me, and I really don't think I'm wrong to think this. Sometimes, I count down the hours and minutes until the next nap time, or until bedtime. I feel like the worst mother in the world when I do this.

Jackson's exhibiting a few bad behaviors lately and I'm pretty sure I haven't dealt with them well. His latest: pulling hair (mine) and biting (everything and everyone). The biting's been going on for a while, and we yell at him to stop doing that, but it doesn't help. I've tapped his lips with my fingers to get him to stop, and he cries but turns around and bites almost immediately afterwards. I'm sure some of this is to test me, but I just don't know what to do about it. As for the hair pulling, usually I can avoid this and it's never been a huge issue, but the last few days it's been bad. He takes a handful and pulls hard. I have to say, it doesn't feel so good! Tonight, it got so bad that after telling him over and over to stop, I finally took some of his hair and pulled back. He cried SO HARD and I felt awful for it. I feel like some days, all I do is yell at him to stop doing things.

The next few months are going to be really hard on all of us. Starting the weekend after next, Paul will be spending every Friday and Saturday night (for the next 2-3 months) with his brother at a Residence Inn-type place in Oakbrook. While I totally understand his need to do this, it's going to be so hard having him gone. I relish the weekends where I don't have to have all the Jackson responsibility and can have some time for myself or to get things done around the house that I've neglected. Truth be told, I'm absolutely dreading him being gone. I think it's going to be hard on Jackson most of all. He ADORES his daddy, and his face lights up when Paul walks in the room (and vice versa!). Jackson may not even notice the extra mommy-time, but I think he will in the long run. I'm going to do my best to take advantage of others--my family and friends, mostly, by going to visit and/or stay overnight with others, just for a change of scenery. Once the weather improves, we'll be able to do a lot more outside, but we have a while before that will happen.

I'm sorry for venting and being so negative. I feel like I'm still trying to get used to not working and bringing in money, and spending my days with a one year old. I'll probably need a few more years to get used to this. I need a boost of some sort--a huge pick-me-up to get me motivated to get through this winter.

Enjoy the holidays!