Depths.

WARNING: awful pity party ahead. You've been warned...

Lately, things haven't felt so good. *I* haven't felt so good. Case in point: I'm throwing a Pampered Chef party in a week. I invited all of my closest friends and some family on my side and Paul's side. I had 24 (or so) invites sent out, and so far the only people coming are my mom, stepmom, and a neighbor. Half the people who received the invite have responded, the other half haven't. I feel like everyone I know is saying NO, and I realize I'm probably taking it WAY too personally, but it's hard for me not to. I don't want people to come because I want everyone to spend a ton of money. I just wanted to get my friends together for a nice gathering at my house to eat some food, have some drinks, and say hi to everyone outside of kids and responsibilities. I feel like to everyone, I'm just not worth the effort.

Add to that, my son now hits and kicks me on a regular basis. I have tried to be a good parent and it's probably not a reflection of my parenting skills (or lack thereof), but rather just one of a hundred phases he'll go through to test my limits as a parent. He doesn't kick or hit Paul like this though. Just the opposite--he adores him, kind of like I wish he'd adore me.

So I sit here alone on a Saturday night (Paul's at a friend's house for game day...ALL DAY), thinking about the things that are happening in my life right now, and I'm seriously contemplating a major restructuring. I don't know what kind yet, but things need to change. *I* need to change. The trick is knowing how to do this, which I obviously don't. I recently had someone ask me what I need to feel happy. I don't know. I just don't know anymore.

That's not to say I'm miserably unhappy, or thinking of doing anything to harm myself. I'm most definitely not. But there's no question of depression. I need to figure out how to resolve it before it gets out of control. Thank heavens for therapists!

I am quite excited about this summer. Jackson and I are signed up as members of the town pool, and we're both going to take some classes through the park district: for him, swim lessons and tumbling. For me, Zumba (he'll be in nursery during that time). If I look ahead to all that we'll have going on, I feel better.

We're also on the brink of adding another member to the family. His name is Orin and he's a 4 year old Pekingese who sounds like the IDEAL dog for us. We'll likely be meeting him Monday evening, and if all goes well, he'll be coming home with us that night. Crazy? Maybe, but he has all the qualities I love in a dog: loves kids, housetrained, and doesn't stray from the yard. For those who question this, YES, he's had his share of medical issues (cherry eye, hernias, flea infestation which led to hair loss), but they've been resolved and shouldn't reappear.

Sorry for the pity party. I will say, we had a really nice time in Mexico a few weeks ago, but I missed my little boy more than words can say. He was, however, expertly taken care of by my sister and her family, and I had no worries on that front. Now we're back to real life, and it seems to be hitting me like a ton of bricks. I promise happier posts from here on out. Promise.