Arrivals...and departures.

The relatives arrived today. Poop. Basically, that means our efforts a few weekends ago were unsuccessful. Can't say I'm too surprised, but hugely disappointed. See, last Thursday, I decided to take a pregnancy test. It never occurred to me that it was too early. Much to my surprise, it was positive. I cried so hard when I read that! I'd never had a positive test before so I was sure it had to be real. Throughout the morning, reality set in--there was a chance it was reading the hormone shot from the week before. Sure enough, by Saturday, the test was negative (and on Monday as well).

I'm numb. The thought of starting the process of adoption is so undesirable right now. Daunting, too. I don't know what's next for us.

For now, my time is spent working a few days a week, keeping the house clean (we've had several showings in the last week), and relaxing. When the weather warms up, I'll be out in the yard taking care of flowers and plants, and enjoying the outdoors. I haven't been super busy, but I think I need time to just relax. I'm exhausted.

So that's it for now. Another showing today at noon--gotta go clean!! :)

Quickie

Just a quick update to thank everyone for the supportive emails I've received since "the cancellation." It was quite a shock, but we're settling into the realization of it all. We have a lot of decisions to make, a lot to talk out, but basically, we're doing ok. Thankfully (or not so), we have a lot of distractions to take our minds away from baby-making!

Paul's sister had her double mastectomy on Monday. She returned home Wednesday and, while quite sore, is doing ok. She has a somewhat-lengthy recovery, but has a few upcoming events to look forward to (Lucas's birthday party, Mother's Day, etc). Please feel free to click on the link to the right to her website and leave a message for her!! She LOVES the guestbook messages and even if you don't know her well (or at all), she'd love to know that people are thinking of her.

I'm working like crazy the next few weeks, trying to finish up at school (May 19 is the last night I teach at WCC until the fall). I have 2 upcoming wedding showers the next few weekends. I leave for TX (my cousin's wedding) in 2 weeks and I CAN'T WAIT!! I'll be spending the weekend in a resort room with my mom and sister. STILL, I'm looking forward to it. :) Hahahaha. We will likely drive each other nuts, but as long as I'm at the pool, it'll be much easier on my soul. My lily-white-ass-aiming-for-a-deep-dark-tan soul.

Happy 98th Birthday to my Gram! She doesn't read this but I thought she deserved a shout-out anyway.

Early morning...ugh.

Paul took off early this morning for Rush as his sister's due to have her double mastectomy this morning. He'll spend the majority of the day there today, then drive Kevin (his brother-in-law) home in the early evening. He's a good brother.

Our open house yesterday went pretty well! We left at noon and returned to the house at 1:45pm. At that point, there had been 3 potential buyers there. As we were sitting there talking to Dawn, 3 more cars pulled up! We scurried to the back yard with the dog to play it cool. :) A total of 6 people (many couples or families) isn't a bad record, especially in this market. We found out that a house for sale right up the street sold this past weekend, so that's encouraging! We still have one for sale a few houses down from ours--it's in foreclosure and, from what I've heard, it's a DUMP on the inside. The price keeps going down (it started at $234K a few months ago, and was just recently lowered to $199K). Significantly lower than ours ($239K), but ours is in move-in condition and needs little work. If you'd like to see our listing on realtor.com, just click here!

The weekend of baby-making went well. Of course, we won't know for a few weeks if it was successful or not. I have a feeling I'll be drinking next month at my cousin's wedding in TX. I'm just sayin'...

I'm SO HAPPY the weather is warming up!! There are a couple good scooter-riding days this week, however the weekend looks icky.

I'll be sending an email around in the next few weeks about the fundraising walk I'll be participating in in June (first Saturday). It's to raise money for neurofibromatosis. We have participated in this every year as Paul's best friend's son, Ben, has this. Ben's a great kid and this is something we enjoy taking part in. I know I've been a part of it every year that I've been with Paul (this will be my 5th time). Get ready to send me money! :) More details coming soon...

Enjoy the beautiful weather!!

If the house is rockin', don't come a-knockin'

Quick update: Paul and I decided on Tuesday (after the appointment) to stay on the drugs through the end and, instead of having the manual egg retrieval with manual mixture of egg and sperm, and manual implantation of embryos, we would try things the old fashioned way. What this means is, I've taken the remainer of the stimulation drugs (through last night), then tonight I took the "final" one that releases any mature eggs, and this weekend, eggs will be released and Paul and I will be bouncing like bunnies (sorry...TMI, but that's the nature of this IVF business).

IF (and that's a big IF) this works, it will increase our chance of multiples. I have no control over the number of eggs released, nor the number that are fertilized (IF any), thus no control over the number (IF any) that find their way to the uterus. That means we could end up with sextuplets. Most likely, we won't have any in there, but there is the possibility of WAY too many. Regardless, we'll be happy with 1...or 6...or 8...

I won't know anything until early May, if then. I'm not counting on much, but at least this way, all these weeks of drugs and trips back and forth to the doctor won't be wasted. I think that's what made me the most upset the other day--the fact that after all we've been through, it was over just like that. They weren't even willing to try to get any eggs, they just called it quits. I did talk to the nurse yesterday to tell her what our plan was (and to get the correct dosage for the remainder of the shots) and she was in favor of what we were doing! That was encouraging, but we're still realistic that this might (and likely) won't work. At least we can finally say that we've done everything possible.

Both of us are doing fine emotionally, but there's still so much going on in our lives, especially with Paul's sister. She's having her double mastectomy on Monday, then after healing from that, she'll have to endure chemo and radiation.

The house has had no traffic, but we'll plug on trying to sell it. And I'm looking into starting the whole (daunting) adoption process. But it could be years before we actually have a child, so in the meantime, we'll enjoy each others company, take a few trips, and relax as much as we can.

Thanks for all the good thoughts and prayers sent our way. It's all appreciated!!

The end of the day

Today was a tough day. I was in the exam room with an ultrasound wand in my hoo-ha when I heard the words that would alter so much in my life.

"We have to cancel your cycle."

That's it. Just like that, we're done. This was our last shot at having our own child. It's amazing to me that, in the blink of an eye, it's all over. They won't even try retrieving any eggs--they say there's nothing there that's any good.

I always wondered what it would be like to have a child who looked like me. The closest I've ever come is my niece, Mary, who looks more like her mother, but some have said she looks like her Aunt Becky. That always made me smile.

We never imagined this wouldn't work. I talked a good game, but when it came down to it, I really thought we'd have success. Seriously. What the hell happened?? I was trying to come up with a plan the last couple of day for how to handle everything that was about to happen, and in an instant, it's gone.

So now what? I'm not sure. Since only 1 of us is willing to think about egg donation (basically, my only chance to actually give birth to a child), we're left with adoption. I've always been a proponent of adoption, but never thought it would be my only choice. It takes years to get a child though, and I feel like we just don't have that kind of time. I'll be 40 later this year; Paul will be 43. We're old to a lot of adoption agencies. But maybe one day soon, we'll be motivated to start looking into that.

I'm trying reeeeeeeeeeeally hard to think of good things that can come of this. Here's my short list: 1) I can maintain my girlish figure. 2) I can drink myself into a stupor at the 2 weddings I have coming up (and oh, I plan to start practicing TONIGHT). 3) We can plan that trip to Africa that we were going to wait on. 4) There is no 4. I only got to 3.

That's it. Sorry to inform most of you this way, but I still can't talk about it just yet. I can't even look at Paul without crying. But we'll be ok. You can uncross all those finger now. Time to focus on someone who really needs it (like MariaElena...click on her site to the right of this page for updates on her).

One good egg

I went for an ultrasound on Friday, a follow-up (of sorts) to last Wednesdays. Friday, things looked promising--the doctor found 4 buggers on one side and 6 on the other! He wanted me back today (Sunday) for another ultrasound.

Today's visit was not as encouraging. There were still 4 on one side, but only 5 on the other. In order for a bugger to be considered good, it has to measure 18 (not sure what that's 18 of...mm?). The biggest on one side was 10.5 (up from 10 two days ago), and 10 on the other (up from 8). My estrogen was only at 250--it should be 500 by this point. Estrogen is given off from the follicles in the ovary. I asked about wearing one of my previous estrogen patches, but they said the patch wouldn't help.

SO...basically, things are going really slow down there. I thought they were coming along well on Friday, but today's proved my theory wrong. I'm going back on Tuesday afternoon for another ultrasound (I'm already getting tired of trips to Downers Grove!). If things don't look well then, they may have me back the next day, or two days later. At this point, the earliest my egg retrieval will be is Thursday (with transfer being the following Tuesday). I have a feeling things could be extended another day or two.

Thankfully, I have a GREAT job that's willing to work around my appointments. I normally work Tuesday afternoons (12-6) but I have to miss this Tuesday because of the ultrasound (for which I was given absolutely no choice of times!). But I called Tracy (my good friend and co-worker), who was more than willing to trade shifts with me, so I'll work that morning. I'm so grateful to have that flexibility!

The cleaning lady is coming tomorrow (to do the icky stuff around the house), then our first open house is this coming Wednesday (for brokers and realtors). YIPPEE! I'm hoping a few people show up to look--we need to have something happening here.

Enjoy the upcoming warm weather!! I'll be on my scooter until it gets cold again. :)

Self-mutilation

I had an ultrasound today. The doctor wasn't thrilled with what he saw--2 little buggers on one side and 2 on the other. For where we're at in this process and how many drugs I've taken, there should be more...and they should be bigger. I go back on Friday for another run.

As for the title of this post, I'm not really referring to me. :) I worked at the vet clinic yesterday afternoon. Just before closing, an emergency came in--a young woman (in her 20's?) and her brother with their pet sugar glider. For those who don't know, a sugar glider is a small animal, about the size of a hamster, that is actually like a little flying squirrel. That's what they remind me of anyway. They look like the little guy in this picture. Cute, rather quick though. Anyway, they brought it in with what looked like a large sore on its behind. Mind you, we're just at closing time. Dr. Lisa goes in and comes out 10 minutes later, announcing that she needs to stay and castrate the little bugger. (?) I volunteered to stay and help out since everyone else wanted to go home. Turns out, these little guys, when sexually frustrated, will mutilate themselves, mostly out of boredom. He had chewed a rather large hole in himself behind his leg--you could actually see his muscle and some pieces and parts that really shouldn't have been exposed. Additionally (for those who have sensitive stomachs, now's the time to turn away), he had chewed off his penis. Yes, you read that right--munched the sucker right off. Dr. Lisa was stitching him up when she noticed that something was missing. Sure enough, that's what happened. Meanwhile, I'm standing there looking cool with a stethescope around my neck, wearing my cool-looking scrubs (with no one to really see how cool I looked...trust me, it was cool), and I'm utterly fascinated by all this. He was knocked out, so I took advantage of studying him and his little feet and hands, his extra pouches of skin (that help him fly). I realized how much I enjoy this job.

Then it hit me that, while I may not be sexually frustrated, I'm definitely self-mutilating these days. I go through these shots day after day (my stomach looks like a pin cushion), 3 in the morning, 3 at night, and I've been having fertility acupuncture for weeks now (occasionally, for sinus problems as well, but those hurt like hell!). Soon I'll voluntarily have eggs sucked out of me, resulting in excrutiating cramps, then 5 days later have embryos injected into my uterus to (hopefully!) begin the process of pregnancy so that I can one day push a watermelon through my hoo-ha.

Is this really any different from what a male sugar glider goes through? Except for the sexual frustration part, I'm thinking not so different.

That's all. I was just thinking and decided to write this all down. I guess I really don't have a point.

Tonight is my last night of bowling and just to remind everyone, my bowling team was, for the second year in a row (out of 2 total!), FIRST PLACE. Team Oh! So Close! did it again. And Paul? He's been bowling for 15+ years and has had one measly little championship.

Next ultrasound is Friday morning. Cross all fingers and toes for more little buggers!!

I'm not bad, I'm just drawn that way.

I think I'm a good person. I have my moments, but overall, I try to do good things. I pay taxes, I recycle, I adopt old unwanted dogs, I donate money and clothes and stuff, I try to be a good person overall. But last night I blew it.

I got my second ticket in 2 months. First one was for improper lane usage. Last nights was because, on my way home from school at 10pm, the cop didn't like how I stopped at a stop sign. I got court supervision on the first one (which I have yet to complete). So now what??

I'm screwed. I'm just so screwed. And I'm hormonal. NOT a good combination.

There are real criminals out there and it pisses me off to get busted for something like this. It makes me want to scream, "Do you know there are kids being beaten and shot at this very moment? And you don't like the way I stopped at a stop sign??? At least I fucking slowed down!" I didn't blow it off. Admittedly, I rolled a bit. I'm tired. I'm hormonal.

And I'm now screwed. On a positive note, I wasn't caught speeding!

That's all for today. If anyone has any ideas on how I should deal with this, drop me a line. I can use all the advice I can get. Just don't lecture me on my driving. THANKS a ton.

Get ready!

We have a house showing tomorrow! Ok, I'm realistic enough to know that it will take more than one showing to sell this place, but I'm just happy that there's something!! After 12 days of absolutely nothing, we have a nibble.

Had a slight fiasco with the carpet cleaning. One came yesterday and spent just over an hour doing the upstairs (minus the 2 bedrooms with new carpet), and downstairs. And it still looked like crap!!! Granted, this carpet is 14 years old and we don't deny for one minute that there's wear and tear on it, but I would expect a professional place to be able to get out relatively minor spots. I actually found a spot in the corner last night that came out with a little Resolve...this, AFTER the "professional" cleaning. So, Paul made a call this morning and another guy from the same place came out to redo the main problem areas. He did a better job at least (he got out the Crystal Light stain in the office!). We're hoping, once the furniture goes back, the worn areas won't be so noticeable.

I had an ultrasound this morning and got the ok to start the other drugs tomorrow. It all looked as it should have, so that's good! Then this afternoon, I was surprised by the arrival of "Aunt Flo" when I wasn't expecting her (Paul calls this the arrival of "The Relatives"). Being a woman, the last 20+ years have revolved around the monthly arrival of The Relatives who, for me, have almost always arrived on time and with great regularity. They come in, stay a while, and leave when they should. But being on fertility drugs throws off the whole visiting pattern of The Relatives and hence, they were not expected today. This is probably TMI, but it's all part of the reality known as IVF.

The hormones this time around are kicking my heiny. Last night, I went from laughing to crying in a heartbeat. Thankfully, I'll not be around anyone this weekend so no one but Paul has to suffer the wrath of THE HORMONES. With the big ones starting tomorrow morning, I really wonder what I'll be like next week. Good thing I only have a few weeks of this!!

Enjoy the weekend!! I plan to be on the scooter the next few days!! WOO HOO!!!!

Vespaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhh

WOO HOO! Yes, I have finally dusted off the scooter from a way-too-long winter. I rode it to work yesterday afternoon and it felt so good to be back on it!! This weekend is supposed to be (I'm sure I'm jinxing something here...) warmer and sunny, and you can bet your bippy I'll be out riding around. Can't wait for that!!

In other good news, my bowling team (Oh! So Close!) made history last night by winning a first place title for 2 years in a row. We still have another week to bowl, but we're so far ahead of everyone that we managed to put ourselves in 1st place even before the end of the season (not to mention...there was one team who could have won it all, but for yet-unknown reasons, quit as of last week). SO AWESOME!! I'm a piss-poor bowler (avg. this year is 116, up from last year's 107), but it's those wonderful handicap numbers that pull us out ahead each time. My bowling teammates are so great! We have such a good time each week! This means another 1st place PATCH! For me, it's all about the patches. Poor Paul--he's been bowling for 15 years, has an average in the 180's or 190's, and has only once ended a season in 1st place. He's perplexed as to how I end up on a team that gets it 2 years in a row (after just 2 years of bowling!). Girl bowlers are sooooo much different from boy bowlers, and it's not just the size of their balls. :)

Today was the start of the shots. This morning, I had Lupron, which will be twice a day for about the next 10 days. Saturday, I start Gonal-F and Menopur, also both twice a day until my egg retrieval. It'll be a bit of a juggle trying to get all the shots done 12 hours apart, especially while I'm in class and bowling, but thankfully, I think I only have to deal with this a couple times. I'll just have to carry a cooler around with me everywhere.

Enjoy the warmer temps!!