On a sad note...

Today, I'm losing a baby.

Several weeks ago, we found out we were pregnant. Totally on our own, no help from doctors, we managed to do things the way nature intended.

The joy we felt was unimaginable! It took some time to really sink in, but wow, we were excited about the prospect of having 2. That's what we've wanted this whole time. We told people. We surprised some by having Jackson wear a Big Brother shirt. We were ready to begin this 9 month journey again.

This past Monday, I had my 8 week ultrasound. There was no heartbeat. The baby was there but measuring about 3 weeks earlier than it should have. All bad signs, for sure.

Yesterday, I started bleeding. Not heavily, just spotting, but it's continued to today and has gotten ever-so-slightly heavier. The beginning of the end.

I will go to the doctor today, and she will likely tell me I need to have a D&C. I'll be cleaned out--a fresh canvas.

I'm ok. I cried a lot on Monday, and I imagine I will do so this afternoon while meeting with the doctor, but I've accepted what's happened. I'm realistic about this--it is what it is and can't be changed, so I can either sit around and mope, or accept it and move on. There's only one reason I can move these days: Jackson.

That little boy has made this all so much easier to deal with. I'm sad that he won't have a sibling next May, but I know he will have one one day. Until then, I will take in everything about him, hug him a little tighter, tickle him to make him laugh, take him for a walk around the block.

And I will mourn the little nugget that almost was.