The best and the worst.

I don't know that I've ever mentioned how Jackson and I watch Sesame Street together. We have this "thing" where we both sit on the couch and watch, and he's snuggled up against me. It's the sweetest thing and I have to say, he has a hard time sitting and watching by himself! I don't use the TV as a babysitter---he just won't sit quietly alone, but if I sit down, he'll sidle over and snuggle up against my left side, and I sit with my arm around him. It's incredibly sweet and, while it prevents me from getting any work done, it's most definitely worth it!! I don't know how long he'll continue it, but I enjoy it each time as if it's the last.

We had some bad news today. Last week, Jackson had an EKG. His pediatrician had noticed a slight heart murmur (which she'd noticed last year a couple times when he had colds) at his 18 month appt. She said she wanted to send him for an EKG just to make sure it's nothing serious. Today, I got the call that, after review, it was determined that Jackson MIGHT have possible right ventricular hypertrophy, and it was recommended that we visit the pediatric cardiologist who reviewed his EKG, so we have an appt with him this coming Friday afternoon.

Needless to say, I was quite a mess this afternoon (thanks, Aunt Cake, for talking me down off the ledge!). I feel guilt as if I've done something to worsen this situation (though I'm pretty sure I didn't cause it)---putting him cold water during swimming lessons, that sort of thing. After some research and talking to people, I'm a bit calmer now, though still incredibly worried. I've heard different things like EKG readings aren't always accurate for detecting this sort of problem, and this isn't a death sentence...he'll still lead a normal life. Still, it's so scary, more than I can ever describe. I'm going to stop typing about it now or I'll get upset all over again.

On a happier note, I'm finally getting a new car. It'll be a 2011 Honda CR-V. I've had my 2000 CR-V for 11 years now and it's been a GREAT car, so it makes perfect sense to continue with the same thing. We went to a dealership today (from whom we'll get a great deal) but they didn't have one in stock, so now it's a waiting game. If they find one at another dealer, they'll get that one for me and I might have it in a few days. If not, they'll order me one, which could take up to 8 weeks. I requested a light blue color and no second choice. I wasn't able to choose my color last time (and we know how THAT turned out!), so I'm allowing myself to be a little picky this time around! I test drove one tonight and it was so nice and quiet! For those who don't know, the muffler on my current car is hanging by a thread and no longer connected where it should be. I'm hoping to get the new car before we go to Waynee World next week.

Speaking of WW, I'm excited beyond words to go! This is my only vacation this summer, and I definitely need it. We all do! Oren will be staying with Rosie, who I'm hoping doesn't plan to leave him tied up in the backyard the whole time. He needs to be walked twice a day (so different from the other 3 dogs before him!!), so I'm hoping Steve can carry that burden. We used to take Bailey to WW, but Oren's a much different dog---good in so many ways, but he's not quite WW ready!

Enjoy the weather!

Postponed.

Our current cycle has been postponed. There was fluid in my uterus that was blocking where an embryo would go, so the transfer we were going to have next week has been put off. I'm fine with this---I want everything to be perfect for this, and I'm in no hurry to get this done, so we'll wait until after my next period to start the process over. That part kind of sucks...having been through the drugs we have been just to have to start over, but it'll be worth the wait in the long run to have a cleared area.

That's all for now! Looking forward to a fun weekend at Waynee World in a few weeks!!

Human pin cushion.

Oh, I forgot how much fun it is to shoot hormones into my abdomen! Man, this shit sucks, but I keep reminding myself of the potential long-term goal here. Or maybe it's a short-term goal...I don't know anymore. They're upping my hormone doses so I'll be in even better moods in the next week or so. The expected embryo transfer date is Thursday, June 30th in the afternoon. Paul will take me, Aunt Cake will be watching Jackson, and I'll spend a glorious 18 hours with my butt in the air in an attempt to help this little sucker stick. We now have a clean playing field, so I'm trying to remain hopeful.

I don't want to be pessimistic about this. I'm trying to be positive, but I know myself enough to know that I can't let my hopes get too high. Do I expect this to work? Not really. I have hope that it will, but I have to remain guarded in the event it doesn't. It makes me incredibly sad that this could be our last shot at a second child. I want so bad for Jackson to have a sibling.

Jackson has been so fun lately! We started his tumbling class this week and sadly, I was disappointed in it. It was unstructured, and we spent 30 minutes playing in a room filled with mats and some kid-sized gymnastic equipment. No activities, nothing. It was so different from his awesome Tot Rocks class, which was planned down to the minute with activities! I'll give this one more shot before making any radical decisions.

I'm now taking a yoga class on Mondays, and I love it! I was in Zumba, which was a good class but VERY aerobic-centered. I have no rhythm and can't dance, and felt a little like a bumbling fool in there (though I was happy to be neither the oldest or largest in class!). I also had horrible neck spasms for the 2 weeks I was in it. Yoga is definitely more my speed. I still sweat like a piggie and, 2 days later, I'm still sore, but it was GOOD. I'll stick with this one!

Jackson starts swimming lessons next week (M-F, then the following M-W), so we'll be BUSY! It sometimes takes so much effort to take him somewhere that I feel like it blows half the day. Add to that the appointments at Dr. Morris' office and I feel like I'm running my ass off every single day. Thankfully, my neighbor is taking Jackson one morning so I don't have to take him to sit in the tiny room with me while I have a wand up my hoo-ha. They have a little girl his age who loves to play with him!

More later...

Clean playing field.

From the sounds of it, my hysteroscopy was a success!! Nothing but some cobwebs in there. The doc did tell Paul that they probably would have expelled on their own after a future period, which makes me wonder why we went through all this to begin with, but I really don't care---as long as the area is clean and ready for a baby, that's all that matters.

One funny story---when Paul came into the room after the whole thing was over, he was asking me questions and said I seemed lucid and was answering and responding to him. He told me what he was told, then said that a minute later, I asked him again what had happened. He laughed, then started to wonder, so he asked me who the president of the USA was, and I responded with a very clear, "Jackson Ambrose." He wasn't sure if I was joking or not. The thing is, I don't remember a single thing about any of this.

I believe I start taking estrogen tonight, and approximately 2-3 weeks later will be our frozen embryo transfer. Keep all fingers crossed!!!

Reactions.

Poor Jackson had 3 full days of fevers because of that DTaP vaccine last Friday! Saturday, Sunday, and Monday were a haze of Motrin and Tylenol. No one could really do anything beyond that. Today (Tues), he's better but has sneezed a couple times, and his nose is a little bit runny, but that could be because he's a serious whiner-49er today.

Let me say for the written record...I CANNOT WAIT for this child to begin speaking!! I'm so tired of the whining. He has a special one where he goes up and down the musical ladder. That one just grates on my nerves! In the immortal words of Aunt Cake, "USE WORDS!" Everyone keeps telling me that once he starts speaking, I'm going to wish he would go back to not, but NOPE! No way! I want real words coming out of his beautiful puffy lips.

Surgery on Friday, then a nice QUIET weekend at home! I can't remember the last time we had a weekend with no plans. I'm looking so forward to it!

Friday

Looks like my "surgery" is scheduled for this coming Friday at 12:30pm. Aunt Cake is coming to watch the wee one, and Paul will be with me at the surgery center.


I went in this morning for blood and an ultrasound (my ovaries have to be surpressed to do the surgery, so they were checking to make sure they were, and they are). It occured to me on the way to the office today that whatever's in my uterus might have factored into my miscarriage last year. I asked the nurse about it after my u/s and she said yes, it's a possibility, but there's no way to know for sure unless the embryo had been tested after my D&C. I don't remember if it had been (she added that they normally are tested), so I might check with the office this week to see what they have to say about it.


If it turns out this was an issue, I have hope that there's a chance we may get pregnant on our own later. This is assuming this frozen cycle doesn't work. I have hope that it will, but I'm trying not to get my hopes too far up. I'm being realistic (some might call it pessimistic) about it, mostly so I don't get my heart broken if/when it doesn't work. I'd love if it did, but I can't expect it to. However, getting this polyp (or whatever it is) out might be the trick to us having another. For that, I have HOPE!


Jackson went to the doctor yesterday for his 18 month appt, and he's now 27.2 lbs. and 33.5 inches long (up 2 pounds and 1.5 inches). He's doing really well and is thankfully healthy, though today he's been fighting a fever (likely a reaction to his vaccine yesterday. It got pretty bad---up to 104.4,. which really flipped me out, but I know it's because of the vaccine and I just have to wait it out. He's acting pretty normal otherwise!


Tomorrow, Nonno comes to help plant the garden in back. YAY! I can't wait for some good, fresh tomatoes!

Twists and turns.

I can't believe it's the end of May already! It's been an activity-filled month with birthday parties, Mother's Day, family gatherings, etc. June and July are looking to be about the same, too. Crazy what summers are like around here!


Paul and I have started the process to have our last remaining frozen embryo transferred. We've hit one snag already. I went for a hysterosonogram this past weekend (where he checks out the uterus to make sure it's a safe haven) and the doctor found an abnormality. He doesn't seem too concerned about it but it does need to be checked out, so at some point in mid-June, I'll have "surgery" on it. I hesitate to call it surgery (that's what they call it) because they're not cutting into me, though I guess they may be cutting something out of me, so that could qualify. I'm still on course with all the drugs to go through with the transfer, so it's not thought that this is serious, but I'll still need to be knocked out for it. I'll have Paul there to take me that day, and someone will watch Jackson (likely my sister). I'm not really too worried...or likely, I have too much else on my mind to really give it too much thought.


As of right now, I'm hopped up on the BC pill and Lupron (shots). Been a few years since I've done all this but it's like riding a bike. If all goes well, we'll probably have a transfer in mid-June and we should know by the end of June if it's worked. It's kind of our last resort--if this doesn't work, we're done and Jackson will be a very spoiled only child. ☺


Next month is going to be so SUPER busy! I start an exercise class (just once a week through the park district), Jackson will have swim lessons and tumbling, and the pool opens! I got a pool pass for just myself--Paul isn't really interested in the water and swimming, so this will be something I can do with Jackson during the day. I'm actually pretty excited! I think it'll be fun to hang out with him all day (which is pretty much what I do now, but at home).

SO HAPPY to have warm weather again!!

Eating

Jackson survived last week's bout with whatever stomach ailment afflicted him, however he's still eating like a picky eater. BUT...thankfully, his pickiness includes a LOT of veggies! Yesterday, I met my good friend Lisa and her chicklets at Ikea, and for lunch I got Jackson a plate of mac 'n cheese and some veggies. He immediately spit out the mac, but had no problem eating the veggies. Um...hello, is this my child??! Last night at dinner, I made him a bowl of corn and peas, added a splash of parmesan cheese, and left it on his high chair. I looked over at him after a minute and he was holding his spoon in one hand and shoveling in veggies with the other hand. He couldn't get enough! It even made me wonder if it's possible for a child to eat too much corn. I swear, he'd sell his little soul for another bowl of those little bits of yellow goodness. CRAZY.

We've had several delays in getting Oren, the dog. Mostly scheduling conflicts, but it looks like it's going to happen tonight! I'm so excited--he's much younger than the other dogs I've gotten (he just turned 5) and he's playful! I can't get over that! None of my other dogs ever played, so this is going to be more fun than I'll know how to have. I look forward to taking him along with us to family events and having all the kids get to know him!

It's so good that the weather's warming up!! Jackson and I will be members of the local pool this summer. He's all signed up for a tumbling class and swim lessons, and I'll be taking Zumba (a dancing exercise class). I'm really so excited! Moreso just to have the opportunity to spend some time outside in the sun. It's been a rainy month and rather dreary, so any improvement in weather is welcomed.

Happy Mother's Day to all mothers out there! We'll be spending the day with both sides of the family. I almost never spend MD with my mom (we see her enough during the week that she's not concerned with this one particular day) so this is a treat!

Royalty.

Oh, the wedding was SO BEAUTIFUL! I slept on the couch last night, in part because I didn't want to wake Paul up this morning, but also because I was guaranteed a crappy night sleep and would definitely be up in time to catch the goods. Salsa made a TON of noise all night, which woke me numerous times, and then I woke up just after 4am and turned on the TV. I saw everything from the time Williams arrived at the church, and from the sounds of it, I didn't miss much before then. Kate was gorgeous and I was envious as all hell. It was definitely worth getting up early for!

It's nice to see something HAPPY in the news, instead of all the negative crap that happens everyday. I know there are people who don't give a rat's ass about the royals, but there was something so exciting about this wedding! It was on every channel for 6 hours this morning, so most of the naysayers had little choice but to see it.

I'm glad it's finally sunny, it's the weekend, and we have a lot going on! My goals are to get my scooter running tomorrow, and to get through the Pampered Chef party on Sunday. If I can do these 2 things, it'll be a successful weekend!

Improvements.

I feel a bit better from my last post. I realize that my problems are minor in comparison to others', and any changes I expect can only come from me, so I plan to work on that.

We have postponed adopting the dog. I brought it up to Paul the night before we were to meet him, and he seemed hesitant. That didn't sit well with me. I know Paul doesn't like to make big decisions without a LOT of thinking, so I figured we could take a week, get things in order, clean the house (rid it of any remaining Bailey pee), and just make sure this is the best decision for ALL of us. I'm a bit more spontaneous when it comes to adopting a pet, and I trust my instincts when it comes to this sort of thing--I mean, so far I'm 3 for 3! Apparently, I have no taste when it comes to cats. Haha!

Easter was nice. We spent it with Paul's family, and it was good to have everyone all together. Jackson got a nice Easter basket and a huge chocolate bunny (the ears of which have been devoured...not by him...). I'm not a huge fan of Polish food, but I found a few things to eat. I do like the traditional soup though! Steve was in good spirits and looked skinny but healthy! He's looking forward to being able to drive again (soon!).

Jackson is doing less hitting and kicking, which is good. I guess he was just pissed off because we were gone. The biggest news: he can say mama! Up to now, it's been baba, but this past week started mama. He doesn't, however, use it appropriately. I try to answer him when he says it so he knows that it refers to me, but he still doesn't really get that yet. I'm just excited that he can say it! One more word to add to the (short) list so the doctor won't think he needs speech therapy.

Pampered Chef party is this weekend. A few friends are coming, including some I haven't seen since HS! Should be a small crowd but a fun time!!

Keep your fingers crossed that I can get the scooter out this weekend. It's about damn time!!

Depths.

WARNING: awful pity party ahead. You've been warned...

Lately, things haven't felt so good. *I* haven't felt so good. Case in point: I'm throwing a Pampered Chef party in a week. I invited all of my closest friends and some family on my side and Paul's side. I had 24 (or so) invites sent out, and so far the only people coming are my mom, stepmom, and a neighbor. Half the people who received the invite have responded, the other half haven't. I feel like everyone I know is saying NO, and I realize I'm probably taking it WAY too personally, but it's hard for me not to. I don't want people to come because I want everyone to spend a ton of money. I just wanted to get my friends together for a nice gathering at my house to eat some food, have some drinks, and say hi to everyone outside of kids and responsibilities. I feel like to everyone, I'm just not worth the effort.

Add to that, my son now hits and kicks me on a regular basis. I have tried to be a good parent and it's probably not a reflection of my parenting skills (or lack thereof), but rather just one of a hundred phases he'll go through to test my limits as a parent. He doesn't kick or hit Paul like this though. Just the opposite--he adores him, kind of like I wish he'd adore me.

So I sit here alone on a Saturday night (Paul's at a friend's house for game day...ALL DAY), thinking about the things that are happening in my life right now, and I'm seriously contemplating a major restructuring. I don't know what kind yet, but things need to change. *I* need to change. The trick is knowing how to do this, which I obviously don't. I recently had someone ask me what I need to feel happy. I don't know. I just don't know anymore.

That's not to say I'm miserably unhappy, or thinking of doing anything to harm myself. I'm most definitely not. But there's no question of depression. I need to figure out how to resolve it before it gets out of control. Thank heavens for therapists!

I am quite excited about this summer. Jackson and I are signed up as members of the town pool, and we're both going to take some classes through the park district: for him, swim lessons and tumbling. For me, Zumba (he'll be in nursery during that time). If I look ahead to all that we'll have going on, I feel better.

We're also on the brink of adding another member to the family. His name is Orin and he's a 4 year old Pekingese who sounds like the IDEAL dog for us. We'll likely be meeting him Monday evening, and if all goes well, he'll be coming home with us that night. Crazy? Maybe, but he has all the qualities I love in a dog: loves kids, housetrained, and doesn't stray from the yard. For those who question this, YES, he's had his share of medical issues (cherry eye, hernias, flea infestation which led to hair loss), but they've been resolved and shouldn't reappear.

Sorry for the pity party. I will say, we had a really nice time in Mexico a few weeks ago, but I missed my little boy more than words can say. He was, however, expertly taken care of by my sister and her family, and I had no worries on that front. Now we're back to real life, and it seems to be hitting me like a ton of bricks. I promise happier posts from here on out. Promise.

Slacking.

Well, my resolution to be more social seems to be taking a nose dive. Despite spending yesterday morning with my dad and stepmom, I'm feeling like my socialocity is lacking, and I should be out doing more than I am. Granted, we're leaving for Mexico in a week and that leaves little time to be planning things (I'm trying hard to work my way through a list of chores to be done by that point!). After I get back, I have specific things I'd like to try to accomplish:

1) Get together with my friend Jenn-from-across-the-hall (who's no longer across the hall, but that's how we refer to her here) and her 3 boys.

2) Maybe meet Lisa-chan and her 2 chan babies at Ikea? Or Woodfield?

3) Get my Angus-fix.

Ok, that list is really small, but if I can do all those things in the month of April, I'll be happy!

On to Jackson accomplishments: he now dances. Yes, I said he dances. This just means he puts 2 fists on his chest and turning his torso from side to side for 5 seconds. We have no idea where he learned it, but it's CUTE AS HELL to watch! If we ask him to dance, this is what he does. He doesn't need music, and he has about as much rhythm as his pappy. Please don't tell his pappy I said this.

The weather still sucks. It's cold again--in the 40's, which is better than the 20's or 30's, but it's all still cold to me.

COLD!

Shoooooot....we're back to being cold again. At least there's a bit of sun mixed in some days, which really makes a (positive!) difference, but it's no longer walk-around-outside kind of weather, which is hard to explain to a 1 year old who's jonesing to go outside. Sorry, kid. Not today.

We've had some really good news here. Steve (Paul's brother) is CANCER-FREE!! We're all still a bit stunned, but it looks as though his stem cell transplant worked wonders and cured him of cancer. I'm amazed at how fast it was, I mean it hasn't even been a year since his diagnosis, and some people go through years and years of treatments (his sister, for one). I can't believe Steve is done after just 9 months. He still has doctor appointments to go to, and some drugs to be taken off of, and he has to watch his diet and be careful around sick people (he has the system of a newborn, so he'll eventually need vaccines and such), but he's basically done with the really hard stuff. It's pretty amazing!

That means that Paul is finally back home on weekends. I can't tell what this alone means to me. Jackson has truly missed his daddy being around. YES, he's only a year old and I realize he won't remember Paul being gone for days on end, but it did have an effect on him. He just clings to Paul sometimes, and it's sad, but he'll get used to him being around again. I'm grateful for the extra hands! And I really, really missed my best friend. We have such a good time together!

We're going to Mexico next month for a week....sans Jackson. When he first booked the trip, I was so apprehensive, first about saddling Jackson with someone for that long (not that he's a bad kid, but he IS a handful!), and about leaving my baby! The closer we get to the trip, the better I feel though. Paul and I really need this time away to just have a break from life. He's been really mentally taxed with everything that's happened with his brother, so getting away from it all will be so good for him. We may end up spending the week laying around, watching movies and bad 70's TV, but it'll be good to have a clear mind at the end of it all!

Keep your fingers crossed for some warm weather to return soon!!

New stuff

Oh, it's so nice to get outside these days!! This whole week, Jackson and I have ventured outside to walk around, most of the time just walking around the outside of the house. Jackson caught a cold this week (started with a slight runny nose on Monday, then a full-blown cold on Tuesday, but it's petered out a bit since then) so we didn't really get out (in the car) anywhere, however I did take him on a stroller walk around the 'hood one day, and we've walked around outside everyday. It might sound simple but it's been really nice!! I realized that this week was the first he's ever really walked on grass. He was unsteady at first, but didn't seem to mind it once he got going. He really seems fascinated with going from concrete to grass and back again. The different textures under his feet really have him curious.

We went to the doctor yesterday for his 15 month appointment. It was weird this time. Since his 12 month appt, he's grown 1.5 inches but really hasn't gained much weight. Well, this got the doctor questioning what he's eating, if he's getting enough nutrients, etc. and it really freaked me out. I mean, I think she thinks I don't feed him enough. REALLY??! Because, if you've seen him, he certainly doesn't look like he's starving! There are times I feed him and suddenly, he'll vomit the last few bites I'd given him and I realize that I've likely just overfed him. He eats so well--mostly everything we eat, though I do still prepare food for him. I have what I call "casseroles," which consist of mostly veggies (squash, carrots, onions), chicken, brown rice, and some spices all blended together. I don't find it to be particularly appetizing, but he seems to like it, especially when I serve it mixed with whole wheat macaroni. He eats eggs, cottage cheese, applesauce, and oatmeal on an almost-daily basis. I just don't see that I'm feeding him wrong! Anyway, I was talked off that ledge by Kate, who said that it's probably normal for his growth and weight to level off at some point.

The other point the doctor seemed concerned about is the fact he's not really talking. She said that if he still isn't saying anything by 18 months, we should consider getting him to a speech therapist. Now, I can see where some might be concerned, but this is something that really doesn't concern me much. It might if he didn't understand what we say, which he does VERY well. He can follow simple commands, he knows a lot of different vocabulary, and he can actually make a whole lot of sounds that most people don't hear because he clams up when he's around anyone but us. He can say "yes" and "Daddy," though he doesn't always say them appropriately (he's getting better with "yes" though). For months, I've asked him to say mamamama, but he always says bababababa, and I've wondered if he knows the difference between them. He says something that sounds like "bow" (as in bow-wow), and we're not sure if he's trying to say bottle or ball. He never seems to use that appropriately either. He can do the sign for "more" and he seems to use that when it's appropriate. That's the only sign he can do though.

We'll see what the next few months bring. I imagine there will be some big changes with him (speech-wise), but I've said from the start that when Jackson's ready to talk, he'll do so in his own time. He has a mind of his own about such things.

On another note, I'm thinking so much about my friends in Japan with all the tragedy that's happened there. My friend, Kumiko, was in her office in Tokyo when the earthquake hit, and she ended up having the spend the night there because the trains stopped running (she works about 45 minutes from her home). She did eventually get home and everyone there was safe. Now with the radiation, this is causing a lot of new concerns. Thankfully, my little town of Sakai was safe from the tsunami (far enough away from water), though they did feel the earthquake. I think EVERYONE in Japan felt it. Everyone I knew there is safe though, and for that I'm thankful. I don't know what will happen with the nuclear plants, but I hope that my friends will all be ok. It's such a stressful time for everyone.

Enjoy the nicer weather we're having!!

The end.

Our sweet dog, Bailey, was put to sleep this past Friday. Over the last few months, she's grown more and more incontinent and somewhat senile. It was so sad to see, and we made the decision last week that it was "her time." We spoiled her rotten all week--gravy on her food everyday, treats every hour (even after she peed on the floor), lots of belly rubs (which had become rare, sadly).

Then the last car ride. She always got so excited when we took her in the car, and Friday was no exception. It broke my heart in a million pieces when I asked her that last time if she wanted to go in the car, and her tail wagged and ears stood on end with excitement. I cried the whole way there.

I took her to the clinic where I used to work, and Dr. Lisa was absolutely wonderful with her. She agreed wholeheartedly with our decision and even let me be there when she inserted the catheter (only because I'd worked there before). Tears rained down on Bailey's head as those last drugs went in and she went quietly and peacefully to sleep. It was a sad day, but neither the first nor last I'll experience. Someday, we'll adopt another dog, but it'll take a little time to get to that point.

Now our house is a little lonelier. Doors to the outside aren't opened as frequently, and the kitchen floor is an absolute mess. Her bowls and many beds are clean and packed away until the next time.

Good night, dear Bailey...sleep well.