Okay.

It's been 3 weeks since the D&C, and we're doing ok! I think I've handled this whole thing well, but that's in part because of all the other stuff going on to keep my mind occupied: Jackson, Paul's brother, upcoming holidays and birthdays, etc. To be honest, I don't really think of it much, but occasionally something will remind me of what could have been. I try to think of what will be someday, instead of what if's.

I've been thinking a lot about Jackson's first birthday party. I'm so excited about it! I want it to be so special for him, even though he won't remember it. We'll have it at Monastero's because we'll have too many people to try to fit into our house. It'll cost us a little bit, but it's the only BIG family birthday party we'll have for him for a while. Plus, being 9 days after we host Thanksgiving, I'd like to not have to clean and cook for that big of a crowd!

Jackson is doing all sorts of new tricks. He's well on his way to walking. He's up to about 6-8 steps at a time before wobbling and falling. It's adorable watching him try! He's even getting better at standing without holding on to anything. It's been fascinating watching him learn how to walk. It really is a progression and he seems to be doing everything in the right order! I'm thankful every single day that I have this time with him and get to stay home to watch him and take care of him. I know how lucky I am to be able to do this! It's the most challenging "job" I've ever had, but it's BY FAR the best!!

I had my first experience of me being sick with a child. Funny how mother's get no sick days. I had a stomach bug that hit this week and left me spending quite a bit of time in the bathroom. This made it quite difficult with a 10 month old running around! I spent the rest of the time just laying on the living room floor while he played, and I have to say he was a trooper! Fortunately, Paul was able to come home a little early from work, allowing me to go right to bed.

We're having company this weekend, then Thanksgiving next month, followed by Jackson's party the week after that. It's going to be a very busy 6 weeks!

Dusting and Cleaning

Today was my D&C. Paul and I went early this morning to the nearby surgery center. We were home by 9am. Physically, I feel really good, considering! No pain, no cramping, very little bleeding. Emotionally, I'm ok. I have moments of sadness, but they don't take over my day. They can't--Jackson needs me and I don't want to deprive him of one second of his mommy. That wouldn't be fair to him, and right now, I'm functioning as a human being because of and for HIM.

We're ok. Our plan is to try again when we're able to (thankfully, we don't have to wait long!). We may try to do something with our frozen nubbin, in part to avoid paying rent on him for another year. We may try fertility drugs. I'm not sure what we'll do, but we will do something. I want, more than anything, for Jackson to be a big brother.

Now it's time for life to get back to "normal." Our sense of normal is questionable these days, especially in light of what's happening with Steve and his cancer. He's going through another round of chemo now but will be released from Loyola tomorrow, then he'll be tested sometime in the next few weeks to determine how well the chemo's working for him. He's fighting as hard as he can, so hopefully he'll win!!

Jackson will be 10 months old this weekend. I can't believe how fast this time has gone. His first birthday is right around the corner, and I've already been thinking of what to do! We're going to have his party at Monastero's (since we can't fit our whole families together in our house at one time). I'm excited for him!! I have my camera and video camera ready and waiting!!

Thanks for all your thoughts and prayers. More soon...