Thinking back

I've been thinking a lot about how my life has changed in the last year. I think the biggest change I can see (in myself) is that my life is no longer about just me. I mean, I've been married over 4 years but even after Paul and I started dating and eventually got married, I still thought of my life as ME. But this last year, it's been all about Jackson. He's the first thing I think of in the morning and the last thing I think of before going to sleep. EVERYTHING I do in my life revolves around him and his needs. I had a lot of bad habits before having him, mostly related to eating (I'd forget, or I'd just eat junk), and it scared me having a child who depended on me getting him to eat and drink on time everyday...and nutritiously! But I do it, and I like to think I do a pretty damn good job at it! That's not to say my own eating habits have gotten better--they haven't (I still forget meals sometimes, or sometimes I eat a package of cookie dough), but I haven't missed once where Jackson's concerned. Sounds silly, I'm sure, but it's a big deal for me! I think that was something I feared before becoming a parent--forgetting those basic necessities for myself is one thing, but I can't do that to my child. And I'm proud to say I don't! ☺

It still surprises me sometimes how strongly I feel for Jackson. I know every parent feels this way about their child(ren). I grew up babysitting other people's kids, but never really felt this way. When my nieces and nephews came along, I felt a lot stronger towards them than I had kids in the past, but now having Jackson, I realized I've never felt for another human being like I feel for him. At times, I'm paralyzed by a fear that something bad will happen to him--this comes from years of reading the blogs and web pages of families who have had to deal with sick and dying children, as well as seeing family members suffer from cancer and other illnesses. My own damn fault for reading too much. I just hope that certain methods of research become more prevalent. I'm a HUGE proponent of stem cell research and the possibility of cures that come from that. My hope is that I'll see a cure for cancer in my lifetime, and that it never befalls my child or any other child in my family or among my friends.

I like to think that I'm far less selfish and narcissistic than I once was. I still have my moments, I'm sure, but they're few and far between, it seems.

One funny thing...Paul and I have become WAY more goofy now than we ever were! And let me tell you--we were pretty damn goofy before Jackson came along. It's far worse now! I can only imagine what this child will think of us someday. We'll embarrass the hell out of him, that's for sure! I hope that of all the qualities he could get from us, humor would be high on the list. I'm not saying we're funny, but...oh hell, we're pretty damn funny sometimes! The thing I want is for Jackson to see how much Paul and I love each other. We're always affectionate and teasing each other, but we also very much respect each other, and I hope Jackson gets that. We do a lot of little things for each other, always without complaining, and we do our best to help each other along the way. We fight sometimes, and we do get mad (mostly at the dog, who's taken to peeing everywhere these days), but it's always short-lived.

I'm done rambling for now....but check back later this week. I'm feeling very nostalgic these days. Haha!

Jackson's 1st Thanksgiving

Well, Jackson's first Thanksgiving was, um, eventful. Unfortunately, there was a lot of drama within Paul's family that pretty much put a major damper on the day, but the saddest part to me is that this was Jackson's first Thanksgiving, and all that will be remembered about that day will be the storm that hit the house (so to speak). I did get some nice pictures before the ugliness started, so I was able to put together a nice picture collage for Jackson. Thankfully, Jackson won't remember what happened that day. I know I'd like to forget it.

Anyway, I'm hoping all drama stays away from this Saturday's festivities. I'm so excited for Jackson's party! It's not about the presents, but we wanted to do this to celebrate this fantastic little boy who is our miracle. I can't remember what life was like before him, but I do know that it wasn't nearly as exciting (and exhausting!) as it is right now, or that it has been this past year. It's been the best year of my life, and I'm pretty sure Paul would say the same. He is as much in love with this child as I am. Jackson keeps us both looking toward the future and excited about what's to come!

Steve has now entered Loyola hospital and is starting the process for his stem cell transplant. We were lucky to spend Thanksgiving with him (at least until he was whisked away in the drama, but he wasn't part of it!), and we had a nice dinner with him last night. He's in for a VERY tough ride ahead, so please keep him in your thoughts. I don't know what will happen to him down the road, but we're all trying to remain positive. He won't get to spend Christmas with us, but Paul will be spending weekends with him for a couple months (starting in mid-December or so) while he's in isolation (at a Residence Inn type place near the hospital). Jackson won't be able to visit because we're guessing he (J) won't wear a mask like everyone else has to.

More after his party!

Halloween!

Well, Jackson survived his first Halloween! We didn't take him trick-or-treating--he's still way too young for that. My own personal rule is that if you can't walk to the door, you really shouldn't be getting candy. Didn't stop me from giving any out to little ones, but they were usually with bigger ones. I did sit outside for a bit with him. Sadly, our neighborhood didn't have many costumers, so there wasn't much to hold his interest out there (except the pumpkin in the picture, which he insisted on touching the entire time we were out there). We took him in after a while and just answered the door ourselves. Next year, we'll really whoop it up for him! I'm already planning his costume!

Birthday party invitations went out in the mail today. This is the only BIG party we'll have for him (mostly family invited) so we're doing it big and having it at Monastero's. We already proved last year that we can't sustain a houseful of guests in our home without pissing off a lot of people (not enough seats), so we didn't want to fight it and we're having it at the restaurant. Which is fine, since we'll be hosting Thanksgiving the previous week. The last thing I'll want to do is cook! The party should be a lot of fun and I have SO MUCH to do between now and then! Lots of goodie bags to make and things to shop for (cake, outfit, etc). I'm looking so forward to it though!

Jackson's about to turn 11 months this week. I can't believe how that time has flown. He's such a cool kid and absolutely my favorite person to hang out with every day! He makes me laugh and there's nothing I love more than making him laugh. Today at the grocery store, I was tickling his feet and he was screeching! I look like an idiot most of the time in stores but I just don't care. He brings out the idiot in me.

Jackson's walking more and more every day. He can walk across the living room but he's still quite unsteady about it. He's trying more things like kicking a ball, picking stuff up without falling, standing from sitting, and turning around while still standing. It's been a fascinating process, watching him learn all these new skills! He's also learned to shake his head no (but he does it whenever, not really appropriately). He doesn't say much beyond ba-ba-ba-ba-ba and other nonsense words. No actual words yet. And he still won't wave bye-bye. We've been trying to get him to do this for some time but, as with all things Jackson, he'll do it when he's damn good and ready and not a moment before.

I love staying home with him every day. Sometimes, it's a bit monotonous and boring, but overall, it's pretty great. I don't for one minute take any of it for granted! I know how lucky I am to get to do this, and while we don't have the luxury of 2 incomes, I think Jackson will ultimately benefit greatly from this experience. I'd love to go back to teaching, but the jobs aren't there and frankly, I don't have it in me to fight for them or even look for something new. So I'll just stay home and enjoy the time I have!

Please keep Paul's brother, Steve, in your thoughts. He's finally in remission (enough for a stem-cell transplant) and they found 2 unrelated 10-point match donors for him!! How lucky he was to have 2 that matched perfectly! He'll go through testing in the next few weeks (as will his donor) and then he'll get a transplant. What follows will be the hardest few years to deal with (compared to what he's already been through).

Happy November!