Oops

Apparently, it's been a little while since I was last on here.  I can come up with a million excuses, but none really matter.  The past 9 months have been a bit of a blur to me, whizzing by in warp speed, like a flash on a camera going off then *poof*, here we are 9 months later.  Nine months is known for a lot of things, but not the one many think of.  No baby, nothing like that.  Just a lot of juggling.

I juggle everyday.  I juggle my family, my friends, my not-really-busy life.  Along with the juggle comes the struggle.  I try to keep it together for everyone.  I have to make everyone feel their worth in this world, constantly remind them how significant each one is.  Sometimes, it feels like I'm on a tightrope, walking a fine line where one foot might slip every now and then, and I have to start over and readjust.

And in the midst of keeping everyone else happy, there's my own happiness, which often lacks. I can't remember the last time I had a day to myself.  I used to love days where I had nothing to do, no one to take care of, where I could just lay around and catch up on the recordings on my DVR, or eat nothing but junk food.  I still do fun things on occasion.  My life isn't all bad.  It's just sometimes, it feels like A LOT of work.  Work I don't get paid money for, but I'm learning to be grateful for the "payment" of kind words, warm hugs, and happy smiles.

I scrolled back in this blog and found a list I created in December 2013 of goals for 2014.  It made me sad how I had so many high hopes for things, and really only accomplished part of one (the losing weight one).  Last year took a turn I wasn't expecting, and things were derailed for a bit.  I know that everything I've done that's gotten me to this point has been a series of CHOICES that I've made.  No one has pushed me into anything, nor begged me for my time or energy, nor drained me to the point of no return.  Everything I've done (or not done) has been done (or not done) because I chose to do (or not do) it.  And I've chosen to "suffer" the consequences.  It's not all suffering though.

And for those wondering, this blog was not written with anyone in particular in mind.  It's just a stream of thoughts that are coming out of me at the moment, and I'm going to publish it, warts and all.  My life might not be today what I thought it would be when I made that list in December 2013, but it's not all bad.  I'm learning to be more patient and compassionate towards others.  I have developed relationships with others that are more meaningful.  I've also cut back a bit on those that I find too draining or critical, or that sap the life out of me.  I have a really nice therapist who's teaching me to be more in-tuned with myself, and to find time for myself again, and to just simply find ME.

The end.