Royalty.

Oh, the wedding was SO BEAUTIFUL! I slept on the couch last night, in part because I didn't want to wake Paul up this morning, but also because I was guaranteed a crappy night sleep and would definitely be up in time to catch the goods. Salsa made a TON of noise all night, which woke me numerous times, and then I woke up just after 4am and turned on the TV. I saw everything from the time Williams arrived at the church, and from the sounds of it, I didn't miss much before then. Kate was gorgeous and I was envious as all hell. It was definitely worth getting up early for!

It's nice to see something HAPPY in the news, instead of all the negative crap that happens everyday. I know there are people who don't give a rat's ass about the royals, but there was something so exciting about this wedding! It was on every channel for 6 hours this morning, so most of the naysayers had little choice but to see it.

I'm glad it's finally sunny, it's the weekend, and we have a lot going on! My goals are to get my scooter running tomorrow, and to get through the Pampered Chef party on Sunday. If I can do these 2 things, it'll be a successful weekend!

Improvements.

I feel a bit better from my last post. I realize that my problems are minor in comparison to others', and any changes I expect can only come from me, so I plan to work on that.

We have postponed adopting the dog. I brought it up to Paul the night before we were to meet him, and he seemed hesitant. That didn't sit well with me. I know Paul doesn't like to make big decisions without a LOT of thinking, so I figured we could take a week, get things in order, clean the house (rid it of any remaining Bailey pee), and just make sure this is the best decision for ALL of us. I'm a bit more spontaneous when it comes to adopting a pet, and I trust my instincts when it comes to this sort of thing--I mean, so far I'm 3 for 3! Apparently, I have no taste when it comes to cats. Haha!

Easter was nice. We spent it with Paul's family, and it was good to have everyone all together. Jackson got a nice Easter basket and a huge chocolate bunny (the ears of which have been devoured...not by him...). I'm not a huge fan of Polish food, but I found a few things to eat. I do like the traditional soup though! Steve was in good spirits and looked skinny but healthy! He's looking forward to being able to drive again (soon!).

Jackson is doing less hitting and kicking, which is good. I guess he was just pissed off because we were gone. The biggest news: he can say mama! Up to now, it's been baba, but this past week started mama. He doesn't, however, use it appropriately. I try to answer him when he says it so he knows that it refers to me, but he still doesn't really get that yet. I'm just excited that he can say it! One more word to add to the (short) list so the doctor won't think he needs speech therapy.

Pampered Chef party is this weekend. A few friends are coming, including some I haven't seen since HS! Should be a small crowd but a fun time!!

Keep your fingers crossed that I can get the scooter out this weekend. It's about damn time!!

Depths.

WARNING: awful pity party ahead. You've been warned...

Lately, things haven't felt so good. *I* haven't felt so good. Case in point: I'm throwing a Pampered Chef party in a week. I invited all of my closest friends and some family on my side and Paul's side. I had 24 (or so) invites sent out, and so far the only people coming are my mom, stepmom, and a neighbor. Half the people who received the invite have responded, the other half haven't. I feel like everyone I know is saying NO, and I realize I'm probably taking it WAY too personally, but it's hard for me not to. I don't want people to come because I want everyone to spend a ton of money. I just wanted to get my friends together for a nice gathering at my house to eat some food, have some drinks, and say hi to everyone outside of kids and responsibilities. I feel like to everyone, I'm just not worth the effort.

Add to that, my son now hits and kicks me on a regular basis. I have tried to be a good parent and it's probably not a reflection of my parenting skills (or lack thereof), but rather just one of a hundred phases he'll go through to test my limits as a parent. He doesn't kick or hit Paul like this though. Just the opposite--he adores him, kind of like I wish he'd adore me.

So I sit here alone on a Saturday night (Paul's at a friend's house for game day...ALL DAY), thinking about the things that are happening in my life right now, and I'm seriously contemplating a major restructuring. I don't know what kind yet, but things need to change. *I* need to change. The trick is knowing how to do this, which I obviously don't. I recently had someone ask me what I need to feel happy. I don't know. I just don't know anymore.

That's not to say I'm miserably unhappy, or thinking of doing anything to harm myself. I'm most definitely not. But there's no question of depression. I need to figure out how to resolve it before it gets out of control. Thank heavens for therapists!

I am quite excited about this summer. Jackson and I are signed up as members of the town pool, and we're both going to take some classes through the park district: for him, swim lessons and tumbling. For me, Zumba (he'll be in nursery during that time). If I look ahead to all that we'll have going on, I feel better.

We're also on the brink of adding another member to the family. His name is Orin and he's a 4 year old Pekingese who sounds like the IDEAL dog for us. We'll likely be meeting him Monday evening, and if all goes well, he'll be coming home with us that night. Crazy? Maybe, but he has all the qualities I love in a dog: loves kids, housetrained, and doesn't stray from the yard. For those who question this, YES, he's had his share of medical issues (cherry eye, hernias, flea infestation which led to hair loss), but they've been resolved and shouldn't reappear.

Sorry for the pity party. I will say, we had a really nice time in Mexico a few weeks ago, but I missed my little boy more than words can say. He was, however, expertly taken care of by my sister and her family, and I had no worries on that front. Now we're back to real life, and it seems to be hitting me like a ton of bricks. I promise happier posts from here on out. Promise.