Downfall

I can't believe how long it's been since I've written.  I need to get back into it.  You know, so those 3 people who read my blog will actually remember that it's here and that I exist.

What's happened since last May.  Well, we had a glorious summer.  Then kindergarten started and life got more interesting.  Holidays and birthdays came and went.  Now we're in 2016.  Where do things stand right now?

I'm not in a good place these days.  My theory: menopause.  Hormonal imbalance.  BIG TIME.  Messing with everything--sleep, desire to exercise, my daily mood....you name it.  On the outside, I'm ok.  On the inside, I'm a mess.  A hot fucking mess.

Jackson's doing well.  He loves school and is doing so well there.  His teacher loves him and says he's serving as a great example in class.  This makes me happy because home life is sometimes rather tumultuous at times.  He's sassy.  He talks back.  He throws fits in the middle of stores.  At times, I feel like I'm at my wits end and the worst mother in the world.  And sometimes I feel like quitting.  But Paul is a great dad who does all the right things and handles everything so perfectly.  I often let him take the reigns while I go cry in a corner.  Thankfully, he's been tolerant of me doing that.

Hoping things look up soon.  Not sure how much longer I can take all this.

Settling in

As I sit here in the early hours of the morning, usually the only time of the day to myself, I reflect on the day in front of me, and the days behind me, and I feel a long-missed sense of peace.  I don't feel that much these days, but lately, things have been feeling better.  Slowly.  A little. 

I finally had a day to myself.  All mine.  No one around me, no where to go.  Mother's Day.  I shooed my boys out the door to go visit the other side of the family, and I stayed in my quiet, beautiful home by myself.  Know what I found?  I was lonely.  I missed the company of others.  I got nothing done and wasn't the least bit productive.  Any other year of my life, I would have been fine with that, but this year, it felt incomplete, and I can't say I was all that happy with it.  Maybe if I'd gotten something accomplished (other than deleting a few hours off the DVR), I might feel better.  But frankly, I missed having someone around, someone to talk to. 

Jackson has been difficult these days.  Whether his behavior is excused as "asserting his independence" or just being a 5 year old, it's been hard.  The back-talk, sassiness, arguing, and fighting are too much at times.  I don't have the patience for it.  There are still moments in the day that I cherish--early morning snuggles, rocking him before a nap, snuggling on the couch during a movie...there are good moments.  But this motherhood shit is tough, yo.  I want things to be a certain way and Jackson has his own ideas, and those things don't always mix.  I'm in awe of how Paul is with him though: patient, kind, playful.  He rarely gets angry (and if he does, you know the shit's real!).  He truly is an AMAZING father to this little boy.  And I think, despite how strict I can be, we're a good blend.  I'm often "the bad cop," but it's ok. 

Sometimes, I need a break, and I do get that.  Jackson has sleepovers with his cousins (or grandma), or he goes with Paul to all-day game days.  Saturday mornings, I go out in search of garage sales, usually by myself or with a friend, and it's quite nice for me.  Sometimes, a random Grandma might come visit for a few hours during the week, which is a nice break.  Paul is excellent at giving me my time (doesn't always have much choice about it, but he rolls with it!).  I need that.  I think I'd go crazy without it.

I hope this summer will be a bit more fun (and calm) than last summer.  Jackson's signed up for t-ball and soccer (both in the evening so Paul can go with him).  We're having new windows put in, which isn't exactly fun, but exciting!  Jackson will go to camp for a week (8:30-3:30 each day), and will have swimming lessons mixed in there.  We have a pool pass and I hope to spend many afternoons watching him jump and swim!  I hope to take a few early morning hour runs at Peck Farm--there's a 2.5 mile trail that goes around a whole natural park area, and Jackson's getting the hang of riding his bike there while we run/walk behind him.  It'll be a good habit to get into.

Friday is his last day of preschool.  Probably a day filled with some sadness--he's had his same teachers for the past 2 years, and they've been wonderful!!  I've gotten lots of pictures of them this year. 

Happy summer!

Oops

Apparently, it's been a little while since I was last on here.  I can come up with a million excuses, but none really matter.  The past 9 months have been a bit of a blur to me, whizzing by in warp speed, like a flash on a camera going off then *poof*, here we are 9 months later.  Nine months is known for a lot of things, but not the one many think of.  No baby, nothing like that.  Just a lot of juggling.

I juggle everyday.  I juggle my family, my friends, my not-really-busy life.  Along with the juggle comes the struggle.  I try to keep it together for everyone.  I have to make everyone feel their worth in this world, constantly remind them how significant each one is.  Sometimes, it feels like I'm on a tightrope, walking a fine line where one foot might slip every now and then, and I have to start over and readjust.

And in the midst of keeping everyone else happy, there's my own happiness, which often lacks. I can't remember the last time I had a day to myself.  I used to love days where I had nothing to do, no one to take care of, where I could just lay around and catch up on the recordings on my DVR, or eat nothing but junk food.  I still do fun things on occasion.  My life isn't all bad.  It's just sometimes, it feels like A LOT of work.  Work I don't get paid money for, but I'm learning to be grateful for the "payment" of kind words, warm hugs, and happy smiles.

I scrolled back in this blog and found a list I created in December 2013 of goals for 2014.  It made me sad how I had so many high hopes for things, and really only accomplished part of one (the losing weight one).  Last year took a turn I wasn't expecting, and things were derailed for a bit.  I know that everything I've done that's gotten me to this point has been a series of CHOICES that I've made.  No one has pushed me into anything, nor begged me for my time or energy, nor drained me to the point of no return.  Everything I've done (or not done) has been done (or not done) because I chose to do (or not do) it.  And I've chosen to "suffer" the consequences.  It's not all suffering though.

And for those wondering, this blog was not written with anyone in particular in mind.  It's just a stream of thoughts that are coming out of me at the moment, and I'm going to publish it, warts and all.  My life might not be today what I thought it would be when I made that list in December 2013, but it's not all bad.  I'm learning to be more patient and compassionate towards others.  I have developed relationships with others that are more meaningful.  I've also cut back a bit on those that I find too draining or critical, or that sap the life out of me.  I have a really nice therapist who's teaching me to be more in-tuned with myself, and to find time for myself again, and to just simply find ME.

The end.

Change of plans

Well, this summer has certainly taken a turn I didn't expect.  I had all kinds of summer projects lined up--refinishing a couple of my Grandma's cabinets, organizing and painting my office (this is on the list every year), taking Jackson to the pool...

It's all changed.  My neighbor, L, has become my summer project, of sorts.  Her husband of 38 years passed away in January, which devastated her enough.  Then a month later, she was told she needed to sell her house because of financial reasons.  She's moving this week (closing on her house today, Friday), and I've been working my tail off to help.  But my help hasn't come just in the form of just packing and moving boxes...it's so much more than that, mostly taking care of her very fragile emotional state of mind.  I've become the one she turns to when she has a breakdown (which is at least once, sometimes twice a day), when she cries for her husband and what she's lost, when she rails against the unfairness of it all, when she thinks she can't take another step forward.  It changes you as a person to see someone fall to pieces like that, knowing there's little you can do to help pick up those pieces and put them back together.  I do the best I can to help push her forward and remind her of all she still has (2 amazing kids, both in their 20's).  Sometimes I just sit and hold her hand while she cries, sometimes I try to keep her busy to get her mind off it all.  It's all come down to this final week, and I know that once she moves into her new townhouse, her life will come together one step at a time.

Almost every single day for the past 2 months has been spent with her.  Some of those days were spent packing.  Others were spent keeping her from jumping off a proverbial ledge.  The next few weeks will be spent helping her adjust to her new life and get her feet back on the ground.  She's mourning what she lost, and terrified of what's to come.

I've never seen anyone this broken before.  My heart truly goes out to her.  No one has stepped up to help her (a few have for occasional help), or to comfort her, so I have.  I'm not sure how that came to be, but I don't question it, I just roll with it.  I'm glad I can be there for her, but I've stepped back from my own life--family and friends outside of my those in my home.  Am I doing too much for her, or even enabling her?  Maybe.  Selfishly, it feels good to HELP someone else, and that can't be all bad.

Jackson's been well-cared for by others--family, friends, neighbors.  Paul has been a SAINT these last few months.  He sees what she's going through, and while I'm not around much for him right now, he never complains.  This whole experience has made me realize what a selfless man I'm married to, and how much he truly loves me, enough to loan me out to a friend who needs me just a little more.  I could never have done this without his support, and I appreciate him now more than I ever have.

Today marks the end of months of work, and the start of a different life for L.  I'll be there for her as much as I can--not the 15 second walk across the street, but now a 15 minute car ride.  She's no longer my neighbor, but always and forever my friend.  We don't hesitate to say I love you because we both know how easily that can all be gone.  This won't go on forever--once the school year starts, we'll all get back into a regular routine and I won't be spending nearly the amount of time with L as I have all summer.  But until then, that's where you'll find me

Finally.....FINALLLLYYYYYYYYYYYY!!!!!!!!!!!

It's summer.  Not meteorologically, but in my head, it's summer.  Jackson will be graduating to 4 year old preschool next year, as well as continuing speech, and we have no more of either for a few months.  It's summer.  SUMMER.  I love that word.

The weather kind of sucks right now.  It's been cool (today is rainy and 60's) and I'm seriously wondering if or when we'll get to break in that cool pool membership that I paid a million dollars for.  I always calculate that we have to go to the pool at least 10 times each summer to make it a worthwhile purchase.  So far, ZIP.  But we'll get there one day.  Of that I'm sure.

We had our annual family vacation last week--Minnesota.  The first few days were spent in Baraboo, WI, where we visited Circus World (Jackson and I rode an elephant).  We visited a big cat rescue, and ate at some fun places (a restaurant that delivered our food by train!).  Of course, we swam in the hotel pool, which was indoors but could have easily been outdoors as it was warm out!  Then we drove to Bloomington, MN, and stayed in a hotel across from the Mall of America.  It was a lot of fun!  We spent one morning just riding rides at the mall, including my all time fave, THE LOG RIDE.  Oh my word, I could ride that every damn day.  EVERY DAY OF MY LIFE and never tire of it.  Jackson loved it, too, which was fun!  We visited the aquarium there, went to Como Zoo in St. Paul, and Paul took Jackson one day to the Children's Museum (gave me a free day at the mall!).  The hotel had the bomb of all pools, so our mornings were spent out and about, then lunch, then nap, then pool, then dinner, then bed.  Lather, rinse, and repeat.  It was a great vacation!

Jackson's going to be taking t-ball this summer (2 evenings a week).  We signed him up for evening classes so that Paul could participate.  He had his first one last night, and it went well!  The coaches are all young college students who help the kids get excited about it.  They do a lot of repetitive stuff--running around the bases, practicing standing in the outfield, etc.  It's a basic class that just gives them the fundamentals, but Jackson really needs those.  His idea of what t-ball is and what it really is are completely different.

LOTS of busy weekends this summer--baby showers, birthday parties, weekend visitors, Waynee World....so much going on!!  At least the weekdays will be quiet and semi-uneventful.  Not what we're used to, but definitely welcomed!!!

Three months of catching up

Oh geez...it's been 3 months since I was last on here.  I think the combination of the brutal winter and sheer laziness has made me neglect my little blog.  I'm not even sure anyone still reads this.  I realize I update this solely to aid in my own memory loss. 

Since my last update, here's what's happened....not much of anything.  The weather has greatly improved, as has my mood.  Jackson's still in school, we still live in our beautiful house, the grass is now green, our plants survived the bitter cold, and I have a new compost bin.  All people and animals in the house are still living.  Jackson's still sassy, and he enjoys picking fights with me.  Can't say I enjoy that too much but whatever.

In the last few months, I've spent a lot of time with my neighbor across the street.  Her husband died in January and she's being forced to put her house on the market (financial reasons).  I've been helping her sell her stuff (she'd probably have preferred to just take everything to Goodwill but she'd get nothing for those tax write-offs).  I'm proud to say I've put over $1100 in her pocket from the stuff I've sold (I sell on bookoo, craigslist, Facebook, and eBay).  That's $1100 she wouldn't have had otherwise.  It's safe to say I can sell just about anything.  :)  It's been like a part-time job, and despite the time and energy that goes into it (measuring, photoing, listing, arranging pick ups, etc), the most positive thing that's come with it has been a strengthened relationship with L (the neighbor).  She's grieving hard these days, and has used my shoulder to cry on more times than I can count. There's no much I can do to help her emotionally but I'm glad I can just simply be there for her.  Selfishly, it makes me feel good to do that for her, even though it also breaks my heart in a million pieces to see her like that.

We're planning our family vacation for this summer to Minnesota.  I haven't been to MN in 30 years, and don't have many fond memories of it, so it'll be good to make new memories.  We'll go to Mall of America and maybe some festivals there, then travel around.  It'll be so nice!  Paul and I both need some time away from here. 

That's it for now.  I'm looking forward to this summer!!  We have our pool passes, Jackson will be taking t-ball and martial arts, and we'll be outside a lot enjoying the warm weather.  I can't wait!!

One year of statuses.

It seems these days that I keep track better on Facebook of what happens in the IacoHouse than I do on here, so I decided to go back one year and make a copy of my Jackson-related statuses, then compile them all here.  Starting with the oldest first, here's what I came up with:

February 13, 2013

There are few sounds more fun than hearing Jackson and his favorite Grandma downstairs laughing and yelling while playing a game. Oh my word, that boy loves her so much! Any why wouldn't he love someone who comes every week and plays any game he wants? She spoils him with TIME. Pretty terrific, she is.

 

February 20, 2013 

I think the best thing I've found as a parent is that no matter how bad my day is or how frustrated I am with Jackson, he doesn't hold it against me. No bitterness, no grudges. He's just his goofy little 37.5 inch self who still has the awesome power to make me laugh when I'm at my worst. Bless his sweet little heart.

 

April 2, 2013 

Jackson just sat down with me at my computer and was asking about the letters on the keys. I pointed out each letter, A-Z, and he followed along with his little fingers. He looked at me at the end and asked, with his little hands held out to either side of him, "Where's 'Now I know my ABCs, next time won't you sing with me?'" I could only kiss him through my laughter.

 

May 12, 2013 

My Mother's Day included breakfast at Colonial, mowing the lawn, mowing the neighbor's back yard, napping (Jackson had a 3 hour nap! BONUS!), then sushi for dinner. Spent the whole day with both of my boys and couldn't have asked for a better day!

 

July 29, 2013 

Conversation tonight in Jackson's room:
Jackson: This is my book tonight! [holding up The Little Mermaid]
Mommy (looking at Daddy and laughing): He does love his princesses!
Daddy: That's important; after all, Daddy married one.
-----SCORE ONE FOR DADDY.-----

 

August 6, 2013 

Jackson and I have this game where I go out to the garden and pick a few cherry tomatoes, come in and wash them, and place them on the table or counter, where he's to NOT touch them, then I walk away for a few minutes. Of course, I come back and he's giggling his fool head off, having eaten all of my cherry tomatoes, and I pretend to be all mad about it. And THIS is the easy part of parenthood.

 

August 13, 2013 

That moment where Jackson stumbles into my office, still groggy from sleep, climbs up on my lap, and snuggles in so I can bury my nose in his sweaty neck? Yeah, that moment. I could live that a thousand and one times and never tire of it.

 

August 27, 2013 

Jackson finished his first official day of preschool with no tears and no problems! We asked him about 2 million questions at lunch, but he wasn't giving up the goods. He was more interested in playing with the crayons the waitress gave him than to talk to either of his parents. *sigh*

 

September 2, 2013 

What a great anniversary we had! Spent a quiet morning, then went to see The Butler this afternoon, followed by one of our favorite places for a sushi dinner. I'm thankful every single day for the man I married! He's a wonderful husband and father, and my best friend. If anyone had told me just ten years ago that I would one day marry Paul Iacopetti, I'd have thought them crazy. And here we are today! He's definitely my lobster!

p.s. Thanks, Mom, for babysitting.

 

October 4, 2013 

I was hit late morning with a nasty headache and stomachache that lasted most of the day. My usually-sassy almost-4 year old ended up being so good today--he listened, asked me how I was, rubbed my head, and was generous with his kisses. He ate his dinner without me having to nag him, and went to bed without a single complaint. It's days like this that make me PROUD to be his mom!

 

October 7, 2013

I love my neighbors! We have an elderly couple living next door. Most mornings, Jackson runs over there to take their newspapers from the bottom of their driveway to their front patio. Most days he doesn't see them, but when he does, he's showered with cookies and treats. Mrs. Wood just came over to remind me to put his shoes on since it's colder out now. They're the sweetest people and I love that he helps them out in this little way!

 

October 8, 2013 

Guess who gets to be room mother today at school? OH YEAH, BABY! ME!!!! Two and a half hours with a bunch of 3 year olds. I'm going to need some serious caffeine this morning.

 

November 15, 2013

Sitting in a small neighborhood coffeehouse waiting for a hitch to be put on my car. Drinking hot chocolate while listening to jazz music. Nice way to spend a Friday morning. — feeling content.

 

December 1, 2013 

Had a good night's sleep, and now it's time to get ready to celebrate my sweet boy's birthday today! We'll have 25 or so people here, and lots of good food and drink. As it happens every year, I won't make it through singing HB to him because I always tear up. As my friend Jenny so eloquently put it last night, "He will someday understand that sometimes we cry because our hearts are just too small to hold that much joy."

 

December 1, 2013

Despite this being the world's most pathetic cake, Jackson LOVED the tractor tipping theme, and he played with those stinkin' tractors (while somewhat ignoring the huge pile of awesome gifts he received). It was a fun day (albeit exhausting), and after 2 days of no naps for anyone, tomorrow shall be declared a lazy day for all. Snuggling and movies are about all that will happen.

 

December 2, 2013 

If anyone needs me today, I'll be snuggled up on my couch with Jackson, fighting over blankets, eating leftover Portillo's, watching Disney movies, likely napping during all of them. Commence lazy day.

 

December 3, 2013 

This morning, I crept into Jackson's room (he was awake but still in bed), crawled into his bed, and quietly sang Happy Birthday. He asked me the same question he's been asking me for a week..."Am I four now?" And with a tear in my eye, I said, "Yes, my sweet boy, you are four now."

 

December 20, 2013 

Conversation after his non-nap:

Jackson: I had a good sleep!
Me: No, you didn't. You played, talked, jumped...you didn't sleep.
Jackson: And I licked something?
Me: You licked something??!
Jackson: No.
Me: Jackson, what did you lick?
Jackson: Nothing.
Me: Jackson. Tell me what you licked.
Jackson: My big boy bed.
Me: [laughing] Why did you lick your bed?
Jackson: I don't know. It tasted good.

OHMYGAWD, I love this child.

 

January 3, 2014 

I was taking Jackson's monthly photos tonight. Paul was standing behind me with a couple stuffed animals, making him laugh. I got this picture of him, and I don't think I've taken a truer photo of him. You can't help but laugh when you look at this! It was a rough day today (lots of tantrums), but I'm constantly reminded how much I love my boys so, SO much.

 

January 8, 2014 

Ten years ago this month, a boy emailed me to ask me to go with him to see a musical in the city. This boy was a friend from WAY back on whom I'd previously had a MAD crush (a couple, actually, at different times). I said yes to the musical, and that "date" (though he wouldn't call it that, I always have) lasted 12 hours that day--eating, talking, enjoying each others company. It was the best non-date I'd ever had, and the start of a great friendship that now, 10 years later, includes a marriage and one awesome 4 year old kiddo. Thanks for asking me out, honey. I would never have guessed that, on that non-date, we'd end up where we are today.

 

January 10, 2014 

For rent: one very sassy 4 year old. Eats just about anything but will argue every step of the way. Want him to do the most menial task? You'll get a fight every time! Asking him a simple question will get you a string of toddler-laced obscenities. Don't all rush at once for this amazing offer! I'm setting up my calendar right now.

 

January 12, 2014 

3 top sayings at the Iaco House by those under 4 feet tall:
"I NOT HUNGWEE!"
"I NOT TIE-YODE!"
"I NOT JACKSON! I'M A DOG SCRAT THE SQUIRREL!"

 

January 18, 2014 

Had a long talk with Jackson last night about how sassy and just plain awful he's been lately, and today's already started off on a positive note. I'd like to think some of what I said got through to him, but more than likely, it's the prospect of seeing a movie later that's persuading him right now. I love this boy more than my own life, but DAMN, he's been a sassy beast lately.

 

January 24, 2014 

How nice to go out and run errands this morning while Jackson stayed with the neighbors next door. They're a wonderful couple and love him so much! I have to be careful not to take advantage of them too much.

 

January 27, 2014 

One of Jackson's chores here at the IacoHouse is to put away clean silverware after the dishwasher runs (I'm usually doing dishes or cleaning up while he's doing this, so I'm not always watching him). Apparently, he's been "seasoning" them before putting them in the drawer. Today, I caught him with 4 spoons and a fork in his mouth that he then attempted to put in the drawer. My apologies to anyone who's eaten a meal at my house lately.

 

February 5, 2014 

About a week ago, I made Jackson a lunch of celery sticks with peanut butter and raisins. Forgetting that this is normally called Ants on a Log, I named them Bugs on a Boat. Now they're a HUGE hit here. Today, I had no celery, so Jackson asked for a Bugs on the Boat sandwich. Just a heads up for anyone visiting and wondering why we eat bugs at the IacoHouse.

 

February 6, 2014 

NEWSFLASH: the boy child declared a couple nights ago that he shall no longer be known as Dog Scrat the Squirrel. He's now Jackson. I wasn't sure this was true, but it's been 2 days and sure enough, he's still Jackson. This is the end of an era. Carry on.

 

February 7, 2014 

Jackson: "Mom, wanna see me count to 110?"
Me: "Sure!"
Jackson: "101, 102, 103, 104, 105, 106, 107, 108, 109, 110."
Me: "Buddy, what about the numbers up to 100?"
Jackson: [puzzled look]

I love this child.

 

February 8, 2014

Jackson likes to make up songs before going to bed. Most of what he sings is just a jumble of sounds, but lately he's been putting in sentences as well. Tonight, he was singing "a new song" and started it off something like, "Mom was cooking in the kitchen and he was making dinner." I corrected him and said, "No, buddy, Mom is a SHE. I'm a she." (he still gets pronouns mixed up) He then corrected me and said, "No, Mom, it's not you, just a regular mom." So I guess regular moms are HE and I'm a SHE. Lucky me.

 

February 14, 2014

Every time Paul uses Jackson as a pillow, Jackson yells out, "NO, I NOT SQUISHY! I GOT BONES!!" and I dissolve into a puddle of giggles. Love my boys!!

Weather

I'm a woman on the verge with this weather.  AWFUL.  Tuesday's expected highs and lows are both in the negatives.  I swear, if they don't cancel school, I'll go crazy.  I intend to be a hermit for the next 5 days.  If anyone needs me, you know where to find me.

It's been a slow year so far.  I haven't gotten much accomplished outside of a few small things, nothing of any consequence.  BORING.  One thing I will do next weekend is bring home a cabinet that belonged to my grandparents.  My amazing friend, Cathy, has been storing it for me for years.  I finally got a hitch put on my car, so next weekend, I'll head down there (sans boys) to get it and bring it back.  That's something I've been wanting to do for a while now!

A few weeks ago, we lost one of our dear neighbors.  He'd been battling brain cancer for the past few years, and I'd seen him just a few days before he died, and he was his normal self.  He was one of the first people we met in our neighborhood, and he'll be sorely missed by everyone here.  His funeral service was huge--a testament to the amazing man he was.  RIP Fred. 

Explaining death to a 4 year old isn't an easy task.  I think Jackson gets it to some degree--we did have to use our late cat Daisy as an example.  The evening after it happened, I was rocking him at bedtime and I told him that Mrs. Strauss is very sad because Mr. Strauss went to heaven.  I asked him what we could do to make Mrs. Strauss happy.  His response: "Bring him back down."  I told him that wasn't really possible, and he said, "We can get a BIG airpwane and go up and get him and bring him back down here."  It brought tears to my eyes, the sweetness and innocence of this child.

Outside of that sweetness and innocence, I have a very sassy boy.  OY, this boy.  He has a way of pushing every one of my buttons.  Everyone keeps telling me what he's doing is cute, and one day I'll wish he was doing these things again.  I can't imagine that when he's standing in front of me, screaming his fool head off because his name is Dog Scrat the Squirrel, not Jackson, for the 2008th time this week.  Nope.  I won't miss that.

Stay warm.  I hate this weather.

Goals for 2014

Here are my goals for 2014:

1)  Lose some weight.  'Nuf said.

2)  Work on my office.  I need to clean it, rearrange things, paint the walls, hang some shelves, and make it a beautiful room.

3)  Finish Grandma's cabinet.  Right now, it's in my garage, laden with chipping lead paint.  I need to strip it, repaint it (unless I can get away with not painting it, but I don't think that will work with this), and make it beautiful.  I don't remember much about the cabinet, except that it was in their basement, and I think my grandpa made it.  Whatever its history, I love it.  Except the lead paint...I don't so much love that.

4)  Clean my closet and organize the hidey hole.  I did a decent job separating and organizing all of Jackson's clothes (given to use by family members), but that space needs further organizing.  Maybe some shelves.

5)  SEW!  I have so many sewing projects I want to accomplish.

6)  Be creative.  I'm cleaning out our basement work area, and hope to start doing some of the projects in my head.  Specifically, something with all these French novels I have.  Découpage?  Wallpaper?  Something needs to be done with those, and I'm going to do something fabulous.

I'm typing these out here so I have a list with which to make myself accountable.  I may add to it in the coming months, but these are some pretty big things I'd like to finally get around to finishing!

So much.

It's been almost 2 months since I've updated this blog, and so many times where I've wanted to but just can't sit still long enough to do it.  I'm busy, but not busy.  There are a million things flying through my head at all times, and I can't quiet the cacophony.  Is it depression?  Maybe.  OCD?  Possibly.  Too much caffeine?  Likely.

What's in there?  Thoughts of being room mother and classroom paparazzi.  LOVED IT.  Thanksgiving day stress.  Birthday party stress.  Christmas stress.  Winter blues. 

Winter blues is the worst.  I didn't really have my normal September depression this year, where the entire month makes me so sad that I want to bite the face off of anyone who crosses my path.  No, this year it's been a slow, bubbling, underlying beast that surfaces on occasion, taking out everyone in its path, then retreats.  I've been so consumed with other things that come January, I'm going to want to crawl into a pit and hibernate there until April.

Being room mother in Jackson's class has been incredible!  I cherish those precious 2.5 hours on Tues and Thurs morning to have to myself, but taking that time to spend with a group of 3 and 4 year olds has been more fun than I ever imagined.  It's nice to do once a month, and that's what I'm signed up for until May.  I feel lucky that I have the time to do that because I know that not every parent does.  I love the teachers in his classroom.  And those kids?  WOW.  They amaze me and make me smile every time I'm there.

And my own kid...most days, he drives  me to the brink of insanity (as Paul says, it's a short drive), but at school, he's a different kid.  He thrives on routine, which he has there in spades.  He's GOOD.  He listens and does what he's asked to do, and then some.  Having me in there doesn't really affect him in anyway.  He still does what's asked of him, and goes above and beyond that.  I have no regrets putting him in preschool at age 3 (some people wait until age 4).  Being an only child, he needs this sooner rather than later.

So that's it.  I hear my sweet boy in the next room, and he's about to make his way into my office to curl up on my lap.  He'll ask me what the weather's going to be today, and knows which button to click to look at whether there's a sun or rain clouds in the 7 day forecast.  He'll snuggle into me with his dragon wrapped around both of us, and I'll smell his hair, and get a whiff of his morning breath when he speaks.  The best part of my day, without a doubt.

Oh...THREE!

This age that Jackson's at right now is going to be the death of me.  I swear, he's a raging maniac sometimes!  Example:

This morning (before school), I asked him nicely to clean up some blocks he'd had all over the living room floor.  All he had to do was put them in their big Ziploc bag.  This request of mine led to him standing in front of me, screaming until his little face turned bright red, crying as if I'd asked him to do something so heinous.  He did pick them up, but not after a lot of noise and show.

After school, I went to pick him up.  One of the classroom aids, a nice woman who knows I'm his mom, came out to help load kids into busses and cars.  She came over to say hi, then told me that Jackson was caught doing something really nice today.  At clean up time, he cleaned what he was playing with, then cleaned up toys that others had played with.  I laughed and told her about my morning, and she in turn laughed and said she didn't believe me.

OH...how I wish I was lying.

This is daily, and there are times where I just look at him and wonder what to do as he's standing there throwing a fit.  Do I discipline him, thus making his screaming/crying worse?  Do I ignore it, like I've heard to do, and make him think his behavior is ok?  Do I get in his face, hug him, show tons of empathy?  Do I follow that teeny tiny feeling inside me to slap him into next Tuesday?  (<--don 2="" 5="" 6="" a="" about="" all.="" and="" another="" be="" br="" but="" can="" do="" feel="" for="" freakin="" go="" happen...="" i="" is="" like="" ll="" lose="" many="" me.="" more.="" my="" nbsp="" none="" of="" on="" online="" or="" people="" phase="" re="" read="" really="" say="" scenarios="" seem="" shit.="" so="" t="" them="" they="" this="" to="" tried="" until="" ve="" what="" won="" working="" worry...that="" years="">
The other thing he does that will drive me to an early grave is declaring every naughty behavior as "my favorite trick!"  When I ask him to stop doing something he shouldn't be doing, 99% of the time, I'm met with, "AWW!  But it's my fave-wit twick!"  If I ask him to do something he doesn't want to do, it's "But that's not my fave-wit twick!"  UGH! 

Then there are the times (few and far between as they seem) where he's a total sweetheart.  If I sneeze, it's ALWAYS followed by "Bless you, Mom!"  If I bump into him and say "Excuse me," he responds with "You're excused!"  He snuggles with me every morning and every afternoon after his nap, and if we're on the couch together, he's snuggled in for some warmth and love.  I could eat him up sometimes, and I cherish those moments because I know that someday, he won't want to do those things and I'll wonder where those times went.

Three.  Can't say it's my favorite age right now.  Wondering what four will be like....

JACKSONESE!

I'm going to start this post now, and likely add to it as time goes on.

Sometimes, I think Jackson has a language all his own.  I want to try to remember so many of the funny things he says and expressions he uses, so I'm going to start listing them.  They're in no particular order, though I will try to give approx. times he used these (if I can remember past ones).  Here goes....

--buppin: this is how he says button, and it makes me laugh every time!  He started this probably age 3 and continues it today (3 and 3/4).  Occasionally, he'll correct me if I repeat it, and he'll say the right word, but damn, this one always makes me smile, especially when he says belly buppin.

--big messy: just like it sounds...it's a big mess.  He uses this a lot now, and has for a while.  He may describe something as being big messy.

--hot sauce pool day: this started in early summer 2012, and continues somewhat today, though he's using it less and less like this now.  It's 2 expressions melted into one.  Pool day has always referred to a day spent at the pool, but it's grown into another activity: burying oneself in a pile of stuffed animals.  He pretends he's in water.  In some cases, one must lie down (on a bed, on the floor, on the couch), and he surrounds you with animals (not always burying you in them), then he lays on them.  Still, a year and a half later, it makes no sense, and though I can explain it, someday we'll laugh big about this.  At Waynee World, he just has lake days.  He can tell the difference between a pool and a lake.  :)

--colb: (or cobe...not sure how to spell it).  Basically, this is how he used to say cold.  He's better now at saying cold, and when I say colb, he gets a little irritated, but it's always made me laugh!  This was more an expression he used from about 3 to 3.5 or so.

--din:  Jackson's just started using negatives when he speaks, however a lot of his negatives just take on one word...din.  "Jackson din like that."  This could be don't or doesn't, or didn't, and it's definitely NOT pronounced didn't, but more just din.  He's just started saying, "I din know."  In the past, he always referred to himself in the 3rd person, so for him to use 1st person, it's pretty exciting (probably only for me, having taught language and grammar for so long).

To be continued....

I knew I'd think of more:

--feep: this is how he says sleep, and it makes me laugh!  He's been saying it this way for quite some time now.  I giggle every time he asks us to "Go feep."  He's still having a big problem with consonant blends.

--"What's that all about?"  He just started using this expression, and OH MY WORD I laugh every time!  He uses it appropriately most of the time, too, and it usually indicates he's in a silly mood.

Holy hell, it's almost September.

September has always been a tough month for me.  I get horribly depressed, thinking of the end of summer and arrival of fall/winter, cold weather, long days...  It happens every year, and poor Paul usually doesn't know what to do.  There's really nothing he can do to make it better.  It just is.  I'm trying not to dread it because I know that going in with a more positive attitude will make things easier.  But being the realist that I am, I know it just won't work that way.

We had a great summer!  Jackson learned to swim and that was a HUGE milestone I wanted him to achieve.  He does so well in the water, and it makes it so much more fun to go to Waynee World, the pool, etc.  He took private lessons this summer--just 5 from a high school graduate who taught in her home pool.  She was awesome for those lessons, and I really do think he learned a lot from Courtney.  I don't know if she'll be home from college next summer to teach again, but if she is, we'll be calling her.

We had a couple great weekends away at the lake!  One weekend with my family and another with Paul's sister and her hubs and kids.  Both were so much fun and it was great for Jackson to spend that kind of time with his cousins.  I have that Mom-guilt of only having one child, and him not getting to interact much with other kids his age.  He got a couple good doses of that this summer!

And now, we're embarking on a new adventure--PRESCHOOL!  Jackson started this past week.  He'll go every Tues and Thurs morning from 9-11:30am.  He missed one day this week though--he caught a bug (or it's allergies??!), so I kept him home on Thurs.  But starting next week, he'll go full force.  He seemed to do just fine on his first official day--no tears (at least from him), and he did everything as well as could be expected!  A part of me wants to stand outside the window and watch him all morning, just to see what he does, and if he does ok.  I resisted though.  We took him out to lunch on Tues and tried asking a million questions, but he wasn't giving up the goods.  In time, I'm sure he'll share.

He'll also start back to speech therapy after Labor Day (Friday mornings).  His speech has improved greatly this summer, but there are still some hiccups that therapy will help with.  It's hysterical to hear some of our expressions coming out of his mouth!  The other morning, while laying on his changing table, he asked if he could see a movie.  I gave my standard "We'll see" response, to which he added, "After one more nap, I see a movie.  Ok, deal?"  I nearly wet myself laughing!  My 3.5 year old is negotiating deals with me??!  Help me now.

Hello, September.  Be gentle with me.  We have a lot planned this month--taking Jackson to his first movie in a theater next weekend (Planes), our last weekend at Waynee World, a family wedding...hopefully enough to keep my mind off what's coming up!

WHERE'D MY SUMMER GO??!

I'm definitely NOT a lover of this cool weather, especially here at the end of July.  Seriously, it feels like October some days!  While it is nice for sleeping at night, it's not much fun during the day.  So much of it has included rain, which my garden and flowers love, but that makes it hard to take a certain 3 year old to the pool.  And a boy without his pool days...ooooh, it's ugly.

We've had a nice, low-key summer so far.  Early July saw a great trip to Waynee World!  It's been a couple years since we were ALL together--the B's, the H's, and the Iaco's.  Despite some hiccups, it was a nice weekend, and the kids all had such a great time together!  That's why we do it and all put up with each other there--for the kids.

We're headed up there again in a week to spend the weekend with Paul's family.  That's always a nice, quiet weekend as well.  The K-kids aren't loud and obnoxious, and they aren't demanding of boat time, which is nice for Jack.  And never mind that ME is a sick cook...and by that, I mean sick in the good sense of the word.  Word.  To yo mutha.

Three weeks from tomorrow, my sweet boy will start preschool.  I can't believe we're here already! He'll be enrolled at the local preschool, though I'm not sure which teacher he'll have yet.  There are 3: one who is super lax, one who is middle of the road, and one who is strict and structured.  Of course, everyone loves the most lax teacher, and I've heard my share of complaints about the strict one.  We requested mid or lax, but frankly, I think Jackson would do well in any of the rooms, even the strict one.  But she scares me enough to try to keep him out of her class.  ☺ He'll also continue speech therapy once a week, likely separate from class time.  I don't mind taking him an extra day for speech.  Preschool for him will be 2.5 hours on each Tuesday and Thursday mornings.  What on earth will I do with myself while he's there??!  Seriously, the thought just weirds me out a bit.  I'm sure I'll have no trouble filling that time with something, but dang...that will be the longest he's away from me for any structured time.  Weird.

Now to enjoy my last 3 weeks of my sweet boy before school starts.  I hope to see a few more pool days before then!

Summer...so far

I can't believe we're already well into July!  What the hell happened to June??!

This summer has been quite eventful so far.  We started off June with a family vacation to Mackinac Island.  We drove up to a small town called St. Ignace (on the UP) and stayed there for 5 nights.  We spent 2 good days on the island itself, and it was beautiful!  On our way back, we spent one night in Saugatuck, MI.  VERY nice area!  Overall, a great vacation!

Upon returning, I threw my back out.  That's been a 4+ week ordeal so far.  Just awful.  Then last week, I bit my tongue.  Seriously, the stupidest thing I've ever done.  Both back and tongue are healing, though not as seamlessly as I'd hoped.

Jackson's enjoying his summer so far!  We spend a good number of afternoons at the pool (after nap, and usually only for an hour or so).  It's been nice to do that!  I haven't signed him up for classes through the park district this summer--I kind of wanted to just enjoy HIM without having to shuttle him from one place to the next each day.  Some days are really low key--we might just stay in and watch a movie.  I wanted to relax this summer before he starts preschool in the fall.

The most exciting thing has been that Jackson has started private swimming lessons here in town.  He's only had 3, but we're seeing such a huge improvement in him!  His teacher is a high school student who has her own pool, and she teaches pretty regularly in the summer.  I wasn't sure about her at first, but after only 3 lessons, it's safe to say she's good at what she does!  The lessons are only a half hour each, but it's so concentrated, and there are no distractions, unlike at the pool.  In just a few short weeks, we're now seeing him hold his breath and go under water, and tonight at the pool, he was actually swimming to us!!  It was incredible!  He's not perfect, but just what we've seen in this short time gives us a lot of hope that he's going to do nothing but improve.  I'm so proud of him!

We're headed this coming weekend to Waynee World--the first in several years with ALL of us.  The last couple of years, my brother and his family have had a hard time going up with the rest of us because of sport commitments, etc.  This year, they're really making an effort, in part because we never know how many more of these weekends there will be, and also because the kids have SUCH a great time with one another up there!  It's just not the same without all of them together, and the older they get, the harder it is to get everyone together.  I think we (the Iaco's) will end up with 2-3 weekends up there this summer, and boy do we love each and every one of them!

As I mentioned, Jackson will be starting preschool in the fall.  This will be his first of 2 years in preschool, and he'll go for 2.5 hours on Tuesday and Thursday mornings.  This is it--the start of his school career.  I'm sad about it in a way, but excited for him.  But damn...my baby's growing up!  How did that happen?!

More rain expected this week.  I suppose it's better than having a drought in the area.  My garden is loving it!  Stay cool!