Self-reflection

Does it ever surprise you when you realize something about yourself that you never really knew (or gave much thought to, anyway)? For the last few weeks, I've come to realize a few things about myself that I think I've always known, but for some reason these things have become crystal clear (um, yeah, most likely from the hormones).

1) I often worry if I talk too much about myself. I don't just mean on the blog (it is, after all, MY BLOG and I can say whatever I damn well please and if someone doesn't like it, well, they can just not read it). I mean in real life, with friends or family, hanging out or at work. Part of this is because I'm noticing it in other people. I understand the need to talk things out--OH BOY do I ever--but in talking about myself, am I really aware of what's going on with the person/people listening, or others around me? Have I ever stopped talking about myself long enough to ask someone else how s/he is doing, and really listened to them? I know I do this, but I just wonder if I do it enough. But what's considered to be enough?

2) I'm an intense person. This became most evident after teaching class last Monday. I scare my students with my intensity. Seriously--I guess I have so much passion and love for the French language and grammar and all things French that I think I just get so wound up and LOUD ABOUT IT ALL that I end up intimidating my students into submission and quietness. I don't think I like this part of me though. I tried explaining it to Paul and he agreed that I'm like this with many things, but it's just a part of who I am, a part of my personality, and changing it might be really hard.

3) Along with the intensity, I think, is the fact I wear my heart on my sleeve. I have a hard time hiding how I feel. I also can't fake feeling something I'm not...most of the time. My feelings about something are always written loud and clear in how I respond, as well as how I DON'T respond, and apparently across my face. Even my face can't hide it: a little raised eyebrow, a tiny smirk, a chin-wiggle....none of it can get by me. This can be very problematic.

Recently, I had an incident at the vet clinic with a man who brought his dog in so we could change the dog's leg bandage (he'd been injured a week before and reinjured himself). We did it, then charged him $15 or so for the work. The guy went ballistic--refused to pay, saying we never told him ahead of time there would be a charge (what, because we usually do this shit for free???), and that he wasn't going to pay and blahblahblah. I didn't say a thing, just say typing a note in the computer that he was refusing to pay and throwing a fit. I said absolutely nothing more than, "I will let the doctor know." Now, I try my best to be as professional as possible at work and I believe with all my heart that I was that day. The next day, Tracy, the office manager, called the family to apologize for the misunderstanding. The guy's wife told her that his biggest problem was my bad attitude about the whole thing (after his tirade). WOW. He didn't come up with that based on what very little I said to him, but obviously from the way I must have looked. I made no apologies though--it could have been a helluva lot worse from me but I managed to restrain myself.

4) This shouldn't be news to anyone: I'm a homebody. I don't just mean wanting to be in the Chicago area for the rest of my life, I mean IN MY HOME. I like being home. I've always been like that, preferring to spend an evening at home watching TV. That's not to say I don't like going out--I do, more to other people's homes than a bar or restaurant or anywhere else. I LOVE LOVE LOVE having people over but frankly, living where I do, not many people come over. I never used to feel lonely but these days, I do. Maybe it's because I'm married now and I think I shouldn't feel lonely in my marriage. But I do. I love my husband and understand his unwavering devotion to his family and friends. I guess I hope that one day, I'll feel like he feels that way for me, too.

So that's it. My hormonally-induced rant and rave that ends in a wave of self-pity. But I can do that on MY BLOG. ☺ And I have.

A quick IVF update: I'm still taking hormones. That's all I know for now.

Enjoy the new round of winter weather!

Testing 1-2-3

Just testing this out--apparently, something was set that caused people to have to click on the blog archives to see the latest posting. I don't know why. I didn't do anything....at least I don't think I did. ☺

Happy Sunday!

Weather or not

Just when I got used to seeing grass again, it's been once again covered by a white blanket. Winter has always depressed me and I'm pretty sure I have Seasonal Affective Disorder. It didn't help that we had a 63 degree day early last week, allowing me to be bold and start the scooter (just to tease myself). Eeee-gads, I can't wait for better weather.

Well, we've jumped in with both feet once again. Because of the increasing worry about Paul's work status, we've decided that it's best to prepare the frozen buggers sooner rather than later. I'm now on a 10 day course of birth control pills (the greatest irony) and tonight, I start Lupron. Someone asked me recently why I take all these drugs that would normally prevent someone from getting pregnant. It's all about CONTROL: the doctors', not mine. They need to manipulate my body in such a way that it'll be ready for the embryo transfer when the time comes. I'll eventually be put on a 2 week course of Estrace (estrogen) along with progesterone (to thicken the uterus and make it a nice soft haven for the buggers). We're guessing it'll be about mid-March when the buggers are implanted. If you do the math (and I know some of you are), that potentially gives us a Christmas baby.

Going back to Paul's work status--his job isn't in great jeopardy at the moment (in fact, he's pretty confident he'll have his job a while longer), but he's already taken a pretty significant pay cut. If the company goes under, obviously so does everyone who's still there. One thing's for sure: we're screwed if we have to live on my salary.

Admittedly, I'm not excited about this round. I try to remain positive but we've had 2 totally unsuccessful turns at this. These are from the same batch of embryos that were mixed in December. I had such high hopes then, and was devastated when it didn't work. I won't let myself get that worked up again. I can't, or we'd never be able to keep doing this.

So I'll remain my normal, realistic self. Don't chide me for being negative--I'm not, I'm just trying to keep a level head about it all. If I don't, I'll drive myself (and everyone else) completely mad.

In other news, the house is still here. We have another showing tomorrow. I lost the excitement about these a long time ago. Frankly, I'm getting tired of the same feedback about it being too small. I want to scream out that the room and house measurements are in the ad--READ THEM before coming here. We didn't lie about anything. Shoot.

I'm headed out to shovel. I bought some plywood a few months ago, so I should be done with the driveway in 10 minutes. ☺ The only good thing about snow is getting to wear my pretty pink snowboots. I may just wear them all day inside. Hee hee!

Showing off

Well, looks like I blew a potential house sale last week. A couple came for a 2nd viewing, which was a bit surprising since their feedback after the first one was that it was a wee too small. Anyway, they happened to catch me still here when they arrived. I was trying to scurry out of the house but they were asking me questions about different things (the roof, windows, etc). Then they asked why we were moving.

Stupid me, I told them the truth: for something bigger.

It's been proven on some occasions that I'm not the sharpest knife in the drawer. I also can't lie on immediate command like that. It just popped out of my mouth. When our realtor asked for feedback after the second time, he said that they really liked the house but my comment about moving got them thinking that it might be too small for them as well.

Oops.

I'm trying not to kick myself too much for this gaffe. I just have to keep remembering that if it was too small for them the first time around, it couldn't have looked bigger to them the 2nd, so it was likely bound to happen this way anyway....right?

Oh well. We have a (new) showing this Saturday. The new housing season is just starting and, while it really sucks this year, it sucked last year and we had a lot of showings, so we can always hope for the same number this year. AND we've done improvements since last spring, so the house looks way better.

Paul and I are headed to Springfield this weekend. It's our only free weekend for a while and I really want to see my friends! Paul, too, is really looking forward to getting away. Work has been hard for him the past few months. We were thinking of taking a vacation in March, but that's not looking so good anymore as his company is expected to cut the pay of anyone remaining there (so far, he hasn't been layed off). I think we're going to aim for as many short getaways as possible. I have lots of miles on Northwest, so we might use those and take a trip somewhere (I have enough for 2 R/T tickets in the US....most of these are miles from when I was in Japan!).

Then there's the IVF, which it looks like we might start sooner rather than later. We haven't totally decided, but if he's that unsure about his job, we might want to get this huge, hefty expense out of the way while he's still employed. More on that later...

Happy Valentine's Day! Happy Anniversary to Dad and Beverly, and Happy Birthday to Dawn (my sister-in-law, but I don't think she reads this). ☺

"...and you and Becky both wore black."

This is a famous line in my family (only between a few of us). My grandmother wrote it in a letter to my sister after my dad's wedding. She had been praising up and down about how handsome my sister's husband looked in his suit, then she wrote the line you see in the title about Kate and me. That's all she said about us, too. It was funny and very typical of my grandma: she'd lavish the praise, then slam you with a one-liner (or vice-versa). ☺ Another famous one: she pointed out to Kate one time that she was heavy but her hair was so shiny!

My reason for writing that is because my dad and Beverly's anniversary is this month. I'm BAD with anniversary dates (I can just barely remember birthdays, and I'm not always spot-on with those either...ask my niece Charlotte...) but I wanted to wish them both a Happy Anniversary. We really do love Beverly and are all glad my dad had the good sense to marry her when he did!

Everything around here is becoming more and more calm these days. I think the Vespa mess is over with--Discover Card sent a good letter to the lawyer that actually made reference to the erroneous letter they sent to the merchant in 2006 that sparked this whole ordeal. Unless the lawyer finds a loophole, I'm considering this mess finished.

We had a second house showing on Tuesday--the same couple that came to look at the house late last week. I haven't heard any feedback yet, but as usual, I'm not really getting my hopes up. It is nice, however, to be having showings again. They aren't rolling in, but it's still early in the season and with the gov't now talking about a tax credit for home buyers this year, I'm hoping that will spark more interest and get more people in here. We'd also like to take part in getting that tax credit!!!

We have a busy weekend ahead--three birthday parties, and tomorrow afternoon I have a photo shoot. I'll be taking pictures of a friend's daughter for her senior pictures. I'm flattered that they asked me (I offered, too, so maybe it's that they were forced?). I just hope I do a good job.

Have a great weekend!!!

Being heard

This morning, I faxed all of my statements and a nice letter to the lawyer in the hopes of ending this mess. I also got a call from the executive offices at Discover Card. I had sent them an email Friday afternoon about this whole mess, asking for their help, and the woman who called said she would be sending a copy of the merchant's statement to him, and she would call the lawyer to tell him that the merchant's account was never charged back that full amount. Wa-HOO! Now, providing the lawyer doesn't find some loophole and files suit against me, this could be done. Oh, I hope it is.

For those who are still wondering, our house is still on the market. We had an open house Jan. 18th, then a showing the next day, but nothing since. The feedback on the house is always the same: it shows nice and looks great, but it's too small. You'd think these people would know that it only has 1.5 baths before they come see it, however the full bath is quite tiny so I think that throws the whole thing off. Makes me so sad to think we may be stuck here for another year or two. All our stuff is in storage which is costing us $150 a month. We thought we'd only have it there for 3-6 months. It's been a year now. My cat has also been gone a year. I'm hoping Rosie doesn't claim squatters rights and try to keep her when we try to get her back (I've been assured this probably won't happen though). ☺

As far as IVF, we're still not sure when we'll be starting up again. With the school semester just starting, and me now having 2 classes, I'm not sure I'm up for doing drugs again right now. Granted, I'll be on different kinds of drugs, but they're still hormones nonetheless, and I'm dreading them. It takes so much mental preparation for me to get ready for these procedures. It's too soon right now, but maybe in a few months...

That's the latest. We had a relaxing weekend, which is good because there won't be another one of those for a while. A huge shout-out to my friend Cathy, who's turning the big FOUR-OH on Friday! Wish I could be there to help you celebrate, but I'll get down there soon...I promise!!