Two thousand nine

I'm hoping for so many good things in 2009...

A baby? There's always that hope, but no more expectations.

A new home? I have a LOT of hope that this will happen! I have my eye on one--right now, it's a little too high in our price range, but it's so incredibly cool looking in the pictures. I have yet to see it in person, but might have to swing by there one of these days. We still haven't had a single looker at ours since T'giving, but the swing upward should start in February...

A cancer-free sister-in-law? YES! With only 3 more chemo treatments to go, followed by radiation, she's well on her way to being in remission. All the signs look good and her prognosis is excellent, so this is a gimme.

A good tan? ☺ YOU BETCHA! After next week, I'll be bronzed and feeling good. The break will do me wonders as well.

World peace? Well, maybe not, but I'm pretty stinkin' excited about our new president. He may not be the person to solve all the worlds problems, but if he can get our economy on track and keep our heads above water, that's saying a lot.

Happy New Year to all!!

Vamos a Mexico!

Ok, yes, the rumors are true--I'm headed to Mexico for 5 days (Jan 5-9). My friend Peggy talked me into it (after weeks of trying!) and I finally caved. My biggest hangup was the money, of course. And taking a trip like this without Paul! Sounds corny, but I really do love traveling with Paul--we're so alike when it comes to most things travel-related (except shopping). He's easy to travel with. Peggy should be a lot of fun as well, but I can't make out with her. Hee hee! However, she speaks (and teaches) Spanish so that'll make it a lot easier!

This trip means I NEEEEEEED to finish the online class ASAP! It's coming along--this past weekend, I spent a good deal of time on it and got a lot done. I can definitely see a light at the end of the tunnel! I'll work on it all day Friday, then quite a bit this weekend, and then all day next Monday. With any luck, I'll have it done by then. Keep all fingers crossed!

I haven't finished my Christmas shopping yet. I'm at a loss as to what to get Paul--I have a couple things, but I'm thinking I need more. Maybe I don't. Most of the kids are done, as are the parents. I still have a TON of prep work to do to get the gifts ready.

That's about it here. No talk of babies or what's next. We're waiting until after the holidays to deal with it. We'll probably go talk to the doctor after I get back from Mexico and figure out what our options are, then go from there.

Happy Holidays to all!!

Anger and love

We're doing pretty well here in Iaco-ville, all things considered. I definitely feel better than I did in April, after our second IVF cycle was cancelled before the retrieval. THAT was hard. At least we got to go to the end of this cycle and, while it wasn't successful, I don't blame myself or Paul or the doctor or nurses. I had so much anger in April. This time around, it's disappointing but way more "final," if that makes any sense. I guess it's like getting closure.

I'm so thankful to have a wonderful husband. I'm not just saying that--he really is pretty great. We may have our differences on some subjects, but we have fun together and he makes me laugh like no one else can (except for Angie and her friend, Lisa...man, those 2 are funny as all hell!).

I had my last class on Monday--grades are due tomorrow at noon so I'll be furiously grading final exams in the morning! We oddly have no plans this weekend (save for the movie Bolt with Robert and Mary tomorrow night!), so I'm going to devote some time to getting it done. I'd love to have it completely finished in the next 10 days--that's my goal, but I'm not always good at fulfilling my goals. ☺ I do need to finish Christmas shopping this weekend, but I don't have much to do.

Our Christmas cards are going out a bit late this year. It took us a while to get one we liked. The best one we had taken was done by none other than ROBERT! Who knew my 9 year old nephew would be so good with the camera?? I love to let all the kids use it--they're all so gentle with it and good about not using it as a toy. Robert happens to rock at taking pictures! If you like it, let him know. ☺

Stick peeing tells no lies

Well, it seems that peeing on the stick was more revealing than I thought: today's pregnancy test (the official one at the doctor's office) came back negative. Not exactly the news we were expecting...I really thought I was pregnant this time. This is what I get for having hope.

Just so everyone understands, it's not because of stress, or because we're not relaxed enough, or any of that nonsense. It just is. Our doctor had told us going into this that there wouldn't be a way to know what makes the little buggers stick or not stick. That's what makes this so much harder--there's no real explanation for it.

So we go on. We have 4 frozen embryos and a whole lot of decisions to make. Do we take the chance and try this again? I've failed twice now and this second time was supposed to be the better chance...I'm not sure I want to "waste" the remaining embryos on me if it's not going to work again. Do we have someone else (a surrogate) try carrying them? That might be a better bet. Thankfully, we know someone who might be willing to do this for us. ☺ How lucky are we for that?

There will be a lot of discussion between Paul and me in (and about) the future. We're hoping for a vacation in January (somewhere warm, I hope!!). We're in no hurry to make any decisions just yet. I'm so thankful we have each other right now.

I'm going to have a beer tonight at bowling. And some champagne and pineapple juice for New Year's.

See? A little something positive in this whole mess....

3, 4, 5

3 embryos transfered...4 frozen buggers....and why is it I can get no more than 5 hours sleep at a time? This is MOST annoying. We came home from Pierogi Day last night and I fell asleep on the couch before 10pm. Went to bed, watch a little TV (until just after 10), and woke fully up at 3am. Eventually this morning, I'll get drowsy and want to sleep again, but of course this will be right around the time I need to be up and moving.

The last few days have felt very strange. The cramping from the retrieval/transfer seems to have subsided, but there's another feeling happening down there, and it's all too familiar--my period is coming. I've felt it for the last 2 days. Officially, I don't know when it's due. I had gotten it around Nov. 13th, but then started on the BC pill which stopped it, then I had it again a week later. There's a certain burning-type feeling I get in my abdomen when "the relatives" arrive, and I've had that feeling for the last few days. There are other signs (breaking out, moodiness, etc) that are also happening. I don't know--I keep running and checking to see if it's happening, but nothing yet. I'd love to think it won't, but I have a really bad feeling about this.

This has all been spured on, of course, because I broke down and peed on a stick yesterday and it was negative. I've been yelled at for this and told it's WAY too early to tell. The official test isn't until later this week, but I have the patience of a gnat (so says Paul). I may do it again this morning. And tomorrow morning. And the one after that. I just HAVE to know.

I'm going to go lay on the couch to see if I can get myself to fall asleep. It's 4:30am now, and I'd love to get another hour or two of sleep. We have a semi-big day ahead (Christmas at my dad and Beverly's, along with dropping off and picking up of Blair at Maria's house, which will result in a lengthy visit with them) so I need to be in top form. By the way, what IS top form??? To me, that just means being awake.

More when I know something....

The balloon has deflated a bit

The results are in:



Basically, we only have 4 little frozen buggers. Granted, this is more than a year ago, and it's better than none, but considering 9 were basically wasted, that bums me out big time. I had really hoped for a few more, at least enough to try this again if this attempt doesn't work. I'm not trying to be negative, but we've been here before and it hasn't worked before. I'm just trying to steel myself for the worst, I guess.

I'm discouraged. And really, REALLY bummed. Having a couple more would have allowed for one more attempt. I guess we could do that with 2, then save the last 2 for a surrogate (hey Kate, is your uterus ready??). That just decreases our chances though.

I think I'm going to bite the bullet and pee on a stick Sunday morning, just to see what results I can get. I think I'm far enough away from the hCG trigger shot that it shouldn't falsely affect the results (like they did in April and FLIPPED ME OUT). I'm still nervous.

Keep your fingers crossed for future positive results!!

We got 3

**WARNING: the following entry includes details of today's embryo transfer that might not sit comfortably with some people.**

This morning's transfer was pretty uneventful, all things considered. We arrived at 900 N. Michigan in good time (leaving at 5:15am will do that to you) and went up to the surgical center. I was forced to attend this event with a full bladder, so I had to skip my good morning pee and I was none too happy about it. I'll spare you the details of my pooping emergency, but suffice it to say, we had our first Christmas miracle this morning with that.

Dr. Morris came in and explained what was about to take place. My first question to him was how many embryos we still had. Sadly, we won't know the answer to that question for another week or so--there were anywhere from 5-9 that looked like they could get to freezing point, but that's all I really know, and that number isn't guaranteed. He wheeled me down to the "operating room" (I wasn't exactly having an operation, but for lack of a better term, I'm going with that). I asked him along the way if he thought this could really work. I took his laughter as a good sign!

In the room, they jacked up my legs in stirrups and the doctor stuck in a speculum. Now, for the women that read this, the kegel muscles come in quite handy at times when trying to resist the urge to pee. A speculum prevents those muscles from working properly, and when you have a full bladder, it's damn near impossible to feel like you're holding it all in. I was so totally focused on trying not to pee on the doctor that it really put a damper (ha ha) on the significance of the whole experience, that being my possible future children being implanted into my body for further cooking. I had to struggle and concentrate on not letting loose on the poor man, all the while squeezing the life out of Paul's hand. Thankfully, it was only a few minutes of deep discomfort before that speculum came out and my kegels could once again do their duty (ha ha...I'm on a roll!).

After removing everything, Dr. Morris inserted a catheter to empty my bladder. I could have done without this step in the process. Last year, the doctor just sent me to the bathroom to relieve myself. Not this time--he did it the professional way. Paul and I were both hugely impressed with the quantity they got--I swear it was a liter and a half! The bottle was huge and almost totally full! And I still didn't feel empty.

We waited the requisite 30 minutes before skipping out of there. We came home and I napped for a while and just took it easy. I've had a LOT of cramping today, more than I expected or remember having last time. I'm not really worried too much about it--I did mention to him before the procedure that I was having some, and he just said it was from the ovaries being stretched out. He didn't sound worried, though today, it's been a lot more pronounced. We'll wait and see how this progresses.

So that's it! All the gory details! Now...we wait............

Mañana

Tomorrow's the big day!! It's funny to think that by noon tomorrow, I'll technically be pregnant with triplets. It won't really feel like it exactly, but it's just fun to think that. Paul and I have had a few "what-if" discussions the last few days, moreso about what to do if this doesn't work. A lot of this depends on how many embryos we'll have frozen (if any). We won't know anything until tomorrow morning, but compared to the first time around, I have a feeling we'll have a few more options available to us this time.

If we have a few left over and if this doesn't work in me, we may eventually resort to a surrogate to carry our child/children. Isn't it awesome that we have one available to us? ☺ Kate has generously offered to do this for us, if needed. I'm hoping it won't be needed, but it's nice to know that's an option if necessary. As much as I would like to experience carrying a child, I would feel just as satisfied if she were able to do it for us. Keep your fingers crossed that this won't be necessary!

For anyone interested or curious, Paul has been (way too happily) giving me butt shots this week--intermuscular progesterone in the upper quadrants of my buns. The initial poke isn't much fun, but the rest of it is pretty painless! I'm really surprised...the only intermuscular shot I've had was a trigger shot in April in my leg, and I couldn't walk for like 3 days after that. I expected a lot worse from these, however it should be taken into account that there is a great deal of padding back there, so it possibly stands to reason that these don't hurt much afterwards. I had a little stiffness the first day, but it was probably because he didn't massage the area after (this is done to evenly distribute the medication, not for other reasons). Other than that, they've been harmless. I think he likes doing them because he feels like he's participating in this whole thing. Aside from "giving a sample," he hasn't really had to endure much outside of putting up with the effects of hormones on me.

Tomorrow, I'm going to come home after the procedure and relax all day (actually, I'm going to sit my arse down in front of the computer and work on this online course, which is STILL not finished). Thursday, I'm working at the vet clinic in the morning but it should be relatively non-stressful, then Blair (Paul's best friend and best man from the wedding) arrives from England that afternoon. He'll be staying with us until Monday (before heading to spend the holidays with his family in Florida). Friday night, the Whittenhall's will be joining us for a big Iaco sleepover! We're both SO EXCITED!!

I haven't finished Christmas shopping yet, but I'm getting there! I have to get myself artistically-motivated soon to get some of them done. That's not always easy for me, especially with all my good art supplies in storage. NOT a good subject to bring up with me these days.

Enjoy the week! More after the procedure, which will actually be relatively boring until we get test results....

WHAT A DAY!!!

WOW! I can't remember a more memorable, fantastic day! My wonderful husband threw me a surprise party (I think my mom and sister had a few hands in it as well), and it was off the charts. It took place at Monastero's, the restaurant where Paul's dad has worked for 40+ years. We go there quite a bit to visit his dad, and a good majority of his family's parties are held there. I walked in the front door and the surprise was revealed when I saw my brother and Michael (nephew) walk across the area where I was, running to get out of site and into the room. That's when I really knew something was up.

I was so nervous walking into that room, but it was overwhelming!! There were SO MANY people there!! My family (immediate, cousins, aunts, uncles, and even some from Paul's side...everyone!) and my friends (some close by, some from far away!) all gathered in my honor. It was more than I could have asked for!

A few hours into the party, we got the news we were waiting for: the embryos. There was a message on the home voice mail from the doctor who called to say that we didn't have 18 eggs retrieved but 19, and of those, 16 fertilized. That's an incredibly HUGE number! Now, realize that many of those have to go the entire 5 days until implantation, so it's possible that not all will make it, but I think we have a reeeeeeally good chance of getting a decent number. Last year when we went through this, we had 15 retrieved (not all considered to be mature) and only 6 fertilized. Not so this year--all of the eggs were mature, hence the huge number fertilized.

We'll have 3 implanted next Wednesday. Any leftovers will be frozen (provided there are 2 or more, and it's likely there will be). If we have success and end up with 1, 2, or 3 kids, we'll decide from there what to do with the extras. Paul and I are HUGE proponents of stem cell research, which can only come from embryos such as these. We donated one sole embryo last year, and we'll likely do that again if we have extras. We know what the moral implications are, and how many churches feel about this sort of thing, but it's something we both agree strongly on, especially having family members and friends with cancer, diabetes, Parkinson's, ALS, etc. If our donation can, in any way, help find a cure for one of these, that makes it all worthwhile.

I'll get off my soapbox now.

My amazing husband is about to finish my birthday evening with a bowl of Oberweis ice cream. We stopped on the way home and picked some up. As we say, we won't vote for the man, but we'll eat his ice cream (one Oberweis ran for public office recently, but he's a terrible, unpopular Republican).

Thank you ALL for making today an incredible one that I'll never forget!!

EIGHTEEN!

Yes, you read that right--they got 18 eggs from me today. That's 3 more than a year ago, and I think these are actually a bit bigger and better (or that's my hope). I'm SO FLIPPIN' SORE though. Need Darvocet...

We got there in good time (no traffic!) and were home by 9:30am. Kate was coming at 10:30am, so my wonderful hubby spent that hour rubbing my head. It was the nicest thing he could have done for me.

Kate came and cleaned for an hour straight--got this place looking and smelling very nice! Kate, THANK YOU SO MUCH for helping!!! I could never have done it.

I'm going to go take some drugs and lay down for a long nap. Tomorrow, we find out how many successfully fertilized (or at least made the first attempts to split). Even if that number is high, it could always go down by day 5, so we can't get too excited. But it's ok to have HOPE.

Drugs. I need drugs.....

Friday / Wednesday

Our retrieval is tomorrow!! YAY! My abdomen is so swollen right now (more from shots than eggs). I can't wait for this part of it to be over. We're due downtown (900 N. Michigan--Bloomie's building) at 6:30am (which means we leave by 5:30am at the latest). Hopefully we won't hit too much traffic. Luckily, they use IV anesthesia (Versed--the greatest stuff!) but I'll still be out of commission for the day. Good reason to sit around watching this seasons Grey's Anatomy (which I have on Tivo, just waiting for this day).

Our transfer is scheduled for next Wed, Dec 10th (Happy Birthday, Kim!). I was told that they'll let us know on Saturday how many eggs fertilized. I have a feeling they'll pull at least 20 out of me, but I'm sure they won't be able to use or fertilize them all, however I'm still hoping for good numbers.

This weekend, I'm hoping to take it easy. There's a party for me scheduled on Sunday, I guess. I don't know details--I just told Paul to have me wherever I need to be at whatever time I need to be there.

Keep all fingers crossed for us in the next week!!

AAARRRGGGGHHHH!!!

One more loooooooong, drawn-out, overly hormonal, egg-bound night for me. The little buggers weren't big enough today, at least in their estimation, so we wait another night for "the trigger." They're fairly certain it will be tomorrow night (making retrieval on Friday). THIS SUCKS. It really does. I feel like my ovaries are as big as watermelons--it hurts to sit, stand, walk, lie down, and just BE. My boobs hurt (TMI...sorry), I'm bruised (both arms and the area just below my belly button), I'm bloated, and I'm moody (don't even look at me sideways).

HOWEVER....

This could potentially lead to me getting pregnant. That's what I want. That's ALL I want right now. Talk about a grand Christmas present!! So I'll take the achiness, bloating, mood swings, and all the other crap that these shots throw my way. I'll complain, but that doesn't mean I wouldn't do this again and again and again, if need be.

So, that being said, I'll take my sore boobs (again...sorry), bloated abdomen, bruised everything, and mood swings and I'll try to keep the goal in mind. It's only a few more days. That trigger shot will feel sooooo goooooood!!!

Stay warm!!

Dragging this out

I was so hoping that during today's appointment, they would tell me things are looking SO GOOD and that it's time for "the trigger", meaning I'd have a retrieval on Wed and transfer next Monday.

NOPE. Say it ain't so, Joe.

We're stretching this out. Never mind that the ultrasound tech had to stop counting after 12 follicles on the left side. She counted another 8-10 on the right. SHOOOOOOT, my ovaries are the size of watermelons! Still, the little buggers aren't quite as big as they're looking for.

I go in again tomorrow morning (good thing gas prices are way down!). If everything looks good, we'll have "the trigger" tomorrow night, retrieval on Thursday, transfer next Tuesday. If not, they said "the trigger" will definitely happen by Wed, making retrieval Friday and transfer next Wed (also making me miss 2 days of bowling...crap...but it's for a good cause!!).

For future reference, the day of retrieval is considered day 0 (zero). Count 5 days from that and that's when we'll have the embryo transfer (or, it's a week to the day after "the trigger").

Keep your fingers crossed for egg-ceptionally good eggs tomorrow!!!