The downside to being a SAHM

The last couple of weeks, I've come to realize that there's a dark side to being a stay-at-home mom. While I love what I do now and I feel lucky every single day to have the priviledge of staying home with my child when not everyone does, it has some downsides and I'm really seeing them these days.

I don't leave the house much during the week. Part of that is due to the cold weather and not wanting to take Jackson (or myself, for that matter) out in it. Also, there's a part of me that feels very guilty for spending money, so I avoid shopping or doing things that cost too much. Might sound ridiculous, but money is always a concern to me. Always has been, and no matter how much money we have in savings, it always will be. Even spending money on gas makes me feel bad.

Being holed up in this house has taken a toll on us both. I feel sometimes like Jackson's tired of me, and I really don't think I'm wrong to think this. Sometimes, I count down the hours and minutes until the next nap time, or until bedtime. I feel like the worst mother in the world when I do this.

Jackson's exhibiting a few bad behaviors lately and I'm pretty sure I haven't dealt with them well. His latest: pulling hair (mine) and biting (everything and everyone). The biting's been going on for a while, and we yell at him to stop doing that, but it doesn't help. I've tapped his lips with my fingers to get him to stop, and he cries but turns around and bites almost immediately afterwards. I'm sure some of this is to test me, but I just don't know what to do about it. As for the hair pulling, usually I can avoid this and it's never been a huge issue, but the last few days it's been bad. He takes a handful and pulls hard. I have to say, it doesn't feel so good! Tonight, it got so bad that after telling him over and over to stop, I finally took some of his hair and pulled back. He cried SO HARD and I felt awful for it. I feel like some days, all I do is yell at him to stop doing things.

The next few months are going to be really hard on all of us. Starting the weekend after next, Paul will be spending every Friday and Saturday night (for the next 2-3 months) with his brother at a Residence Inn-type place in Oakbrook. While I totally understand his need to do this, it's going to be so hard having him gone. I relish the weekends where I don't have to have all the Jackson responsibility and can have some time for myself or to get things done around the house that I've neglected. Truth be told, I'm absolutely dreading him being gone. I think it's going to be hard on Jackson most of all. He ADORES his daddy, and his face lights up when Paul walks in the room (and vice versa!). Jackson may not even notice the extra mommy-time, but I think he will in the long run. I'm going to do my best to take advantage of others--my family and friends, mostly, by going to visit and/or stay overnight with others, just for a change of scenery. Once the weather improves, we'll be able to do a lot more outside, but we have a while before that will happen.

I'm sorry for venting and being so negative. I feel like I'm still trying to get used to not working and bringing in money, and spending my days with a one year old. I'll probably need a few more years to get used to this. I need a boost of some sort--a huge pick-me-up to get me motivated to get through this winter.

Enjoy the holidays!

Merry Christmas!

I can't believe Christmas is a few short days away. We're all ready--have been for quite some time. The kids are getting tougher and tougher to buy for, so I went easy this year--gift cards. I got each of them a small gift to open, plus a couple gift cards. I think they'll be happy with what they get! We didn't get Jackson anything. He's still so young and doesn't really know any different. Seemed kind of silly.

I didn't decorate, except a few things here and there. Outside, we have some lights around the door and our big wreath on the front of the house between the windows. Inside, just the stockings hanging on the fireplace and some Christmas hats on photos on the mantle. Simple. I just didn't have it in me to put up a tree anywhere. No one's coming here for Christmas anyway, and Jackson doesn't know any better.

We'll be spending Christmas eve with my mom, brother, sister, and their families, then Christmas Day with Paul's side. His mom will be spending the day with Steve at the Residence Inn-type place, so she won't be with us, but we'll see his sister and her family, and his dad. Sunday, his dad's coming over to spend time with Jackson. I love when he does this! Jackson enjoys the attention (not that he doesn't get plenty from us).

Jackson went to the doctor for his 1 year visit. He had a couple vaccines, which made him cranky, but he did ok. He weighs 25 lbs. 9 oz. I forget his length, but for weight and length he was in the 80th percentile. His doctor said he looks great! He's doing everything developmentally that he should be. Just a normal kid!

Some of his latest tricks include jumping up and down in his crib (he hit his chin yesterday so he's a little less wild about it), putting together his cup toys (and taking them apart), and going up and down stairs, though we don't do this as much as we should--he's mostly blocked off from the stairs during play time--but we're practicing. He eats pretty much anything put in front of him but I'm starting to notice his interest waning with some foods. I do still feed him a lot--there are some things he eats on his own like scrambled egg and pasta, but mostly I feed him. He'll eat what we eat, which is really nice!

Enjoy the holidays!!

My baby's no longer a baby!

Well, the Jackson party festivities have ended, and overall, it went well! We arrived a little early to Monastero's--Jackson was fed a bottle by Daddy while Mommy decorated. People slowly trickled in (the weather was awful, so I'm surprised everyone who was expected actually made it!), and the party got off to a rousing start. Jackson was a dream child, letting everyone hold him, though when a few tried to put him down to have him show off his walking skills, he got a little pissed off but quickly recovered. He was passed around but seemed to prefer the familiar arms of his Aunt Cake and Grandma, who both tried hard to "allow" others the opportunity to bask in his greatness. He just always gravitated back to them, and that was ok!

He ate like a champ, enjoying a couple different pasta choices and some broccoli. Jackson eats well all the time, so getting food in him is rarely a problem! Then came the amazing cake. I had asked a friend with whom I bowl if she would make it. I've tasted several of her cakes in the past and they've all been really good. This one certainly didn't disappoint! Besides the incredibly beautiful decorations, it was AWESOME tasting! We decided to go with something a little out of the ordinary, so we ordered red velvet with cream cheese frosting. WOW!! It was fantastic! And it matched the cute banner I had with some farm animals on it.

Jackson was delicate in the way he handled the cake. No face smashing for him! He took fingerfuls, but never just stuffed any in his face. He seemed to like it though, and he especially liked the ice cream that accompanied it. After playing in it a bit, it was time to open presents. Of course, Mommy had to help with this. He got a lot of cute clothes and fun toys to play with! He also got some money and a couple nice gift cards. Mommy will help him shop for a couple of things, but we might save those for later.

For as much activity as there was, Jackson never melted down (in the traditional sense). He got quiet and eventually fell asleep in the arms of Aunt Cake. He was overstimulated, but never really let it show. No one has to tell me twice how lucky I am to have a kid like this!

We got home and put aside most of the new toys. We'll slowly bring them out, but not all at once. Some older ones will phase out as newer ones replace them.

We're so grateful for the love of our families! Jackson's an amazing kid and it was so great to celebrate his first year with everyone!