The end of the day

Today was a tough day. I was in the exam room with an ultrasound wand in my hoo-ha when I heard the words that would alter so much in my life.

"We have to cancel your cycle."

That's it. Just like that, we're done. This was our last shot at having our own child. It's amazing to me that, in the blink of an eye, it's all over. They won't even try retrieving any eggs--they say there's nothing there that's any good.

I always wondered what it would be like to have a child who looked like me. The closest I've ever come is my niece, Mary, who looks more like her mother, but some have said she looks like her Aunt Becky. That always made me smile.

We never imagined this wouldn't work. I talked a good game, but when it came down to it, I really thought we'd have success. Seriously. What the hell happened?? I was trying to come up with a plan the last couple of day for how to handle everything that was about to happen, and in an instant, it's gone.

So now what? I'm not sure. Since only 1 of us is willing to think about egg donation (basically, my only chance to actually give birth to a child), we're left with adoption. I've always been a proponent of adoption, but never thought it would be my only choice. It takes years to get a child though, and I feel like we just don't have that kind of time. I'll be 40 later this year; Paul will be 43. We're old to a lot of adoption agencies. But maybe one day soon, we'll be motivated to start looking into that.

I'm trying reeeeeeeeeeeally hard to think of good things that can come of this. Here's my short list: 1) I can maintain my girlish figure. 2) I can drink myself into a stupor at the 2 weddings I have coming up (and oh, I plan to start practicing TONIGHT). 3) We can plan that trip to Africa that we were going to wait on. 4) There is no 4. I only got to 3.

That's it. Sorry to inform most of you this way, but I still can't talk about it just yet. I can't even look at Paul without crying. But we'll be ok. You can uncross all those finger now. Time to focus on someone who really needs it (like MariaElena...click on her site to the right of this page for updates on her).