Self-reflection

Does it ever surprise you when you realize something about yourself that you never really knew (or gave much thought to, anyway)? For the last few weeks, I've come to realize a few things about myself that I think I've always known, but for some reason these things have become crystal clear (um, yeah, most likely from the hormones).

1) I often worry if I talk too much about myself. I don't just mean on the blog (it is, after all, MY BLOG and I can say whatever I damn well please and if someone doesn't like it, well, they can just not read it). I mean in real life, with friends or family, hanging out or at work. Part of this is because I'm noticing it in other people. I understand the need to talk things out--OH BOY do I ever--but in talking about myself, am I really aware of what's going on with the person/people listening, or others around me? Have I ever stopped talking about myself long enough to ask someone else how s/he is doing, and really listened to them? I know I do this, but I just wonder if I do it enough. But what's considered to be enough?

2) I'm an intense person. This became most evident after teaching class last Monday. I scare my students with my intensity. Seriously--I guess I have so much passion and love for the French language and grammar and all things French that I think I just get so wound up and LOUD ABOUT IT ALL that I end up intimidating my students into submission and quietness. I don't think I like this part of me though. I tried explaining it to Paul and he agreed that I'm like this with many things, but it's just a part of who I am, a part of my personality, and changing it might be really hard.

3) Along with the intensity, I think, is the fact I wear my heart on my sleeve. I have a hard time hiding how I feel. I also can't fake feeling something I'm not...most of the time. My feelings about something are always written loud and clear in how I respond, as well as how I DON'T respond, and apparently across my face. Even my face can't hide it: a little raised eyebrow, a tiny smirk, a chin-wiggle....none of it can get by me. This can be very problematic.

Recently, I had an incident at the vet clinic with a man who brought his dog in so we could change the dog's leg bandage (he'd been injured a week before and reinjured himself). We did it, then charged him $15 or so for the work. The guy went ballistic--refused to pay, saying we never told him ahead of time there would be a charge (what, because we usually do this shit for free???), and that he wasn't going to pay and blahblahblah. I didn't say a thing, just say typing a note in the computer that he was refusing to pay and throwing a fit. I said absolutely nothing more than, "I will let the doctor know." Now, I try my best to be as professional as possible at work and I believe with all my heart that I was that day. The next day, Tracy, the office manager, called the family to apologize for the misunderstanding. The guy's wife told her that his biggest problem was my bad attitude about the whole thing (after his tirade). WOW. He didn't come up with that based on what very little I said to him, but obviously from the way I must have looked. I made no apologies though--it could have been a helluva lot worse from me but I managed to restrain myself.

4) This shouldn't be news to anyone: I'm a homebody. I don't just mean wanting to be in the Chicago area for the rest of my life, I mean IN MY HOME. I like being home. I've always been like that, preferring to spend an evening at home watching TV. That's not to say I don't like going out--I do, more to other people's homes than a bar or restaurant or anywhere else. I LOVE LOVE LOVE having people over but frankly, living where I do, not many people come over. I never used to feel lonely but these days, I do. Maybe it's because I'm married now and I think I shouldn't feel lonely in my marriage. But I do. I love my husband and understand his unwavering devotion to his family and friends. I guess I hope that one day, I'll feel like he feels that way for me, too.

So that's it. My hormonally-induced rant and rave that ends in a wave of self-pity. But I can do that on MY BLOG. ☺ And I have.

A quick IVF update: I'm still taking hormones. That's all I know for now.

Enjoy the new round of winter weather!