Settling in

As I sit here in the early hours of the morning, usually the only time of the day to myself, I reflect on the day in front of me, and the days behind me, and I feel a long-missed sense of peace.  I don't feel that much these days, but lately, things have been feeling better.  Slowly.  A little. 

I finally had a day to myself.  All mine.  No one around me, no where to go.  Mother's Day.  I shooed my boys out the door to go visit the other side of the family, and I stayed in my quiet, beautiful home by myself.  Know what I found?  I was lonely.  I missed the company of others.  I got nothing done and wasn't the least bit productive.  Any other year of my life, I would have been fine with that, but this year, it felt incomplete, and I can't say I was all that happy with it.  Maybe if I'd gotten something accomplished (other than deleting a few hours off the DVR), I might feel better.  But frankly, I missed having someone around, someone to talk to. 

Jackson has been difficult these days.  Whether his behavior is excused as "asserting his independence" or just being a 5 year old, it's been hard.  The back-talk, sassiness, arguing, and fighting are too much at times.  I don't have the patience for it.  There are still moments in the day that I cherish--early morning snuggles, rocking him before a nap, snuggling on the couch during a movie...there are good moments.  But this motherhood shit is tough, yo.  I want things to be a certain way and Jackson has his own ideas, and those things don't always mix.  I'm in awe of how Paul is with him though: patient, kind, playful.  He rarely gets angry (and if he does, you know the shit's real!).  He truly is an AMAZING father to this little boy.  And I think, despite how strict I can be, we're a good blend.  I'm often "the bad cop," but it's ok. 

Sometimes, I need a break, and I do get that.  Jackson has sleepovers with his cousins (or grandma), or he goes with Paul to all-day game days.  Saturday mornings, I go out in search of garage sales, usually by myself or with a friend, and it's quite nice for me.  Sometimes, a random Grandma might come visit for a few hours during the week, which is a nice break.  Paul is excellent at giving me my time (doesn't always have much choice about it, but he rolls with it!).  I need that.  I think I'd go crazy without it.

I hope this summer will be a bit more fun (and calm) than last summer.  Jackson's signed up for t-ball and soccer (both in the evening so Paul can go with him).  We're having new windows put in, which isn't exactly fun, but exciting!  Jackson will go to camp for a week (8:30-3:30 each day), and will have swimming lessons mixed in there.  We have a pool pass and I hope to spend many afternoons watching him jump and swim!  I hope to take a few early morning hour runs at Peck Farm--there's a 2.5 mile trail that goes around a whole natural park area, and Jackson's getting the hang of riding his bike there while we run/walk behind him.  It'll be a good habit to get into.

Friday is his last day of preschool.  Probably a day filled with some sadness--he's had his same teachers for the past 2 years, and they've been wonderful!!  I've gotten lots of pictures of them this year. 

Happy summer!