Changes

Paul and I have decided to hold off another month before starting the next round of IVF. We want to look more into our options, maybe visit with another doctor, and see what the test results will be. I don't think (potentially) poor results will sway us away from going through another cycle, but I'll be better able to prepare myself for the inevitable.

I'm sure there are some out there wondering why we're bothering to do this all again, especially with such a low success rate. I didn't realize how much I wanted to give birth to a child until not being able to was shoved in my face. I've always wanted to adopt, but I said that I would adopt after having a child myself. I never in a million years thought it would be a problem--I just figured since my period was ALWAYS regular (I mean, if I was cast away on a remote island with nothing but a volleyball named Wilson, I would always know how much time I'd been there and what day of the month it was). I figured a regular period meant everything was running smoothly. But unfortunately, a regular period is no indication of how good the stuff is in there. Mine's not so good anymore.

This is absolutely my only hope of carrying a child. For those wondering why we just don't use an egg donor, Paul is against this. All ideas of this--his swimmers plus a related egg, plus a donor egg, or donor swimmers and donor egg. He can explain his position, but none of it really makes sense to me. The whole point is, he's made it clear that he will NEVER change his position on this. End of that discussion.

So there you have it. I want to carry a child. Just once. I want to experience all of it, good and bad. I want to feel that little life moving around in there. I want to go through childbirth (with a good epidural, of course...I'm not completely dense....). I want to hold that child and see him/her looking back at me. It was always my dream to have a little girl with big brown eyes and tons of dark hair who looked like a combo of her father and me (oh, the nose she'd have to deal with!). No matter what happens, that's what I want. And I'll do anything to get it, including putting myself through months of drugs and shots (sub-q and intermuscular) and pills and patches and hormones and vitamins and acupuncture and herbs and anything else it takes to get there.

And I have ranted. Thank you for reading.