ONE and ZERO

These days, I have a lot of anger. At first, I thought it was just PMS (which, each month, has varying degrees of intensity, most pretty low). But it's been bad for a week now. I know why, but it's dealing with it that's become hard.

We've decided to put off IVF another month (this isn't the source of anger, rather it's a relief right now). There's too much stress having to choose a protocol, having blood tests run (I went today for the AMH...anti-mullerian hormone, or something like that, to give an idea about my ovarian function), plus all the non-infertility issues (house, cancer, school, you name it). Now is not a good time to be starting IVF-related junk.

The anger is about egg donation. I want it, Paul doesn't. We can go back and forth about the subject, but at the core of it, it's still a ONE and a ZERO. He talks about his feelings for not wanting to, and as previously mentioned, I don't really understand them. Nor can he understand my feelings of wanting to. This leaves us in quite a quandary.

How does one help a man understand the desire a woman has to be pregnant?

That's the question of the day. At times, I feel like it just doesn't matter how I feel or how bad I want it. He's calling all the shots. He says no and I'm expected to just accept it and move on. I can't do that. My therapist says I need to grieve. I guess I'm in that anger stage now. Problem is, I don't see a way out.

I love Paul with all my heart. I won't leave him because of this--this isn't a make-or-break deal. I take the vows of marriage seriously and intend to have a long, healthy marriage. But that doesn't mean I understand any of this. Or like it. Or accept it.

I've been reading different websites (and crying my eyes out); one in particular does a nice job explaining about the stages of grief as they relate to infertility. Another is good at explaining how to deal with someone going through infertility. While it's good to read similar accounts and know I'm not completely alone (though I've never felt completely alone), they really don't completely relate to our situation.

This is the hardest thing I've ever had to go through. I'm thankful to have people to talk to about it, but it's still so hard. There's so much I don't understand, and I don't know how to deal with. I guess my point is, if you see me or talk to me and I sound completely negative about everything, this is why. If I don't feel like going out or attending parties or seeing anyone, please don't be mad at me. I'm struggling so hard to deal with all this. I feel weak and tired and at times, I want to curl up on the couch and not move for days. But I can't, and therefore I'm not functioning in the real world at my full capacity.

Forgive me.