Dusting and Cleaning

Today was my D&C. Paul and I went early this morning to the nearby surgery center. We were home by 9am. Physically, I feel really good, considering! No pain, no cramping, very little bleeding. Emotionally, I'm ok. I have moments of sadness, but they don't take over my day. They can't--Jackson needs me and I don't want to deprive him of one second of his mommy. That wouldn't be fair to him, and right now, I'm functioning as a human being because of and for HIM.

We're ok. Our plan is to try again when we're able to (thankfully, we don't have to wait long!). We may try to do something with our frozen nubbin, in part to avoid paying rent on him for another year. We may try fertility drugs. I'm not sure what we'll do, but we will do something. I want, more than anything, for Jackson to be a big brother.

Now it's time for life to get back to "normal." Our sense of normal is questionable these days, especially in light of what's happening with Steve and his cancer. He's going through another round of chemo now but will be released from Loyola tomorrow, then he'll be tested sometime in the next few weeks to determine how well the chemo's working for him. He's fighting as hard as he can, so hopefully he'll win!!

Jackson will be 10 months old this weekend. I can't believe how fast this time has gone. His first birthday is right around the corner, and I've already been thinking of what to do! We're going to have his party at Monastero's (since we can't fit our whole families together in our house at one time). I'm excited for him!! I have my camera and video camera ready and waiting!!

Thanks for all your thoughts and prayers. More soon...

On a sad note...

Today, I'm losing a baby.

Several weeks ago, we found out we were pregnant. Totally on our own, no help from doctors, we managed to do things the way nature intended.

The joy we felt was unimaginable! It took some time to really sink in, but wow, we were excited about the prospect of having 2. That's what we've wanted this whole time. We told people. We surprised some by having Jackson wear a Big Brother shirt. We were ready to begin this 9 month journey again.

This past Monday, I had my 8 week ultrasound. There was no heartbeat. The baby was there but measuring about 3 weeks earlier than it should have. All bad signs, for sure.

Yesterday, I started bleeding. Not heavily, just spotting, but it's continued to today and has gotten ever-so-slightly heavier. The beginning of the end.

I will go to the doctor today, and she will likely tell me I need to have a D&C. I'll be cleaned out--a fresh canvas.

I'm ok. I cried a lot on Monday, and I imagine I will do so this afternoon while meeting with the doctor, but I've accepted what's happened. I'm realistic about this--it is what it is and can't be changed, so I can either sit around and mope, or accept it and move on. There's only one reason I can move these days: Jackson.

That little boy has made this all so much easier to deal with. I'm sad that he won't have a sibling next May, but I know he will have one one day. Until then, I will take in everything about him, hug him a little tighter, tickle him to make him laugh, take him for a walk around the block.

And I will mourn the little nugget that almost was.

The Junior Mint

As of a week ago, Jackson weighs a whopping 22.1 lbs. and is 29.5 inches long. His doctor's appointment went well and she was impressed at how he looks and acts! He's a funny kid and is changing and growing every single day!

Jackson's been babbling more and more lately. For a few days, he did a lot of sounds involving his tongue (lalalala), and lately he's been saying wowowow a lot. It's fascinating, really, how his speech is developing. I love studying this when it comes to foreign languages, but seeing it happen with English is pretty damned cool, too!

His walking has changed--no, he's not officially walking on his own, but he's cruising around furniture like crazy! Tonight, Paul took his little hands and walked behind him, and it was the first time he actually walked looking like a big boy! His hands were being held, but not tight and he had a lot more control than either of us thought he would. We were both so surprised to see that!

Jackson's biting still continues to be a problem. He's drawn blood from both of us--one night, he bit my lip so bad it was swollen. I've tried just pushing him away and distracting him, but this doesn't always work, and a couple times I've tapped my finger on his lips and said NO very sternly. My fear is that he thinks he's kissing us, and we're pushing him away and preventing kisses. That would just kill me if he thought we didn't want his love. I'm at a loss as to how to handle this.

I've been cooking for him more and more, making different combinations of food and recipes. So far, I've been mostly successful. Some of it's pretty damn good tasting! He seems to like it and that's what matters. We use a lot of veggies, chicken, pasta, cheese, and such. He's a good eater with the majority of foods that pass his luscious little lips.

BIG wedding this weekend! Callie and Adam are getting hitched, and we couldn't be happier!

Almost 3 quarters of a year

It was almost 9 months ago today that I gave birth to this little butterball. Kate and I will be taking his 9 month pictures on Friday.

So much has been going on around here, it's incredible. Steve moved back to Illinois (from CA) last week and is now living with his mom in Huntley. Paul still has to fly out to CA this Friday and will spend the weekend with his uncle driving Steve's car back. I'm sure they'll make a stop at a casino somewhere, so hopefully he'll only miss one day of work and be home on Monday. Time will tell though.

Jackson got to meet his Uncle Steve this past weekend. This is something I've been hoping for (though under much different circumstances!) for a while. We got a short video, since we have video of everyone else meeting Jackson for the first time (of course, everyone else met him in the hospital right after he was born).

Steve looks ok and has a good attitude about everything, but he has a very tough fight ahead of him. He'll be going to see Dr. Rodriguez at Loyola tomorrow afternoon--the whole family is going (Steve, his mom and dad, brother and sister) so hopefully they'll all have a better idea of what to expect. Despite 2 rounds of chemo, he has yet to go into remission, which isn't a good sign, but we're hoping Dr. R can lead him to a clinical trial that might help.

Jackson is growing by leaps and bounds. He now has 6 teeth--4 on top and 2 on the bottom. He bites everything and everyone that get in his path, and let me tell you, it hurts!! I'm trying to tell him "Don't bite" but he really is too young to understand. He gets pissed if I prevent him from biting. Sometimes, he can be really naughty!

He's still crawling like a champ, but no sign of real walking yet. He's been pulling himself standing for a while now, but just recently has he started walking around furniture (only a few steps at a time). I'm trying to encourage him, but he seems to do things in his own time, when he's good and ready.

He eats just about everything put in front of him. We're still being slightly conservative with his food, but every now and then we give him something we're not sure he'll like, and he inhales it! Most recently was elbow macaroni that my mom made (with tomatoes, bacon, and onion). I kept big chunks out but gave him just flavored noodles, and he loved them! I love doing that--trying new things with him. He's getting better with different textures, but everything is still really puréed, of course.

I can't believe the summer is almost over. It's so sad to me--seems so short this year. I'm dreading winter, but already looking forward to Jackson's first birthday party! It'll be HUGE! We're having it at the restaurant where Paul's dad works--Monastero's in Chicago. We'll have everyone from both sides of the family (probably 60-70 people total?). I'm so excited about it! This will be the only BIG party. From here on out, it'll be just immediate family from both sides. Even that's enough of a crowd!

Enjoy!

Thankful

For the better part of this summer, I've been tutoring ESL to a German student. It's just 2 days a week, 6 hours total (and great money!). During those times I'm working, I've been so lucky to have my mom and sister babysit. Each week, they take turns coming over and spending 3-5 hours with Jackson, taking the best care of him. For that, I'm so grateful. I don't know what I'd do without either of them, and Jackson is so lucky to have his family here to take such good care of him! Only once have I had to take him down to Oswego (where they both live), though next week I'll take him so he can spend the night at Aunt Cake's. I only have about 3-4 weeks more of this before this tutoring ends, but I plan to make the effort to take him to Oswego as often as I can to spend time with his famly.

I love this little boy with every breath I take, and I'm thankful that I have 2 people I can count on who feel the same!

Thanks, Mom and Kate!!

Not only...

This is the week for changes! Not only does Jackson have a front tooth coming in, he has the side one next to it. There's been talk that the second front top tooth is also coming in, but I haven't seen that one yet. It could be there and I'm missing it though.


Jackson's also now responding to me chasing him, saying, "I'm gonna get you!" He squeals with delight and crawls away, stopping every few feet to sit and look back to see if I'm still there, then take of "running" again when he sees me. It's incredibly cute (though hard on my knees to crawl behind him!). I can remember Maddie doing this--she was always SO SERIOUS about getting away!

He's also now eating small finger foods (little whole grain puffs). He's not quite gotten the hang of getting the food in his mouth with his fingers, but he's getting better at it every day. It's cute to watch him try, and funny when we lift him out of his high chair and find half of them stuck to his legs. Bailey swoops up anything that hits the floor, too.

I look at Jackson every single day and wonder how I got so lucky! I can only hope another child is in our future. Paul is so concerned about finances (IVF costs, as well as future college educations!) that he won't even talk about it. Not that I want to rush into having another, but I'd really like to get going on the drug portion of game, just to get that out of the way. Unfortunately, freezing and storing embryos is expensive--we already have one in ice, and we'd be charged all the same initial charges for any new ones, and none of it is covered by insurance.

Paul is headed to California next week to spend some time with his brother, Steve. Steve has been hospitalized for 5-6 weeks now (since Father's Day) with leukemia. His first 4 weeks of chemo didn't work, so he's getting another 4 week round of drugs. There's a plan to bring him back to Illinois for a stem cell transplant and subsequent treatment, which will total 2 years, during which he'll live with his mother (*gulp*). His chances aren't great, but he's fighting with everything he's got. Please keep all fingers crossed for him!

This weekend will be Jackson's first White Sox game! Wish us luck--we don't have high expectations, but we hope he enjoys it!

Lots of new things

Well, maybe not lots, but a few! Jackson has become quite adept at pulling himself up into a standing position. He also falls with a lot of grace these days! BOOM, right on his tookus. He's such a funny kid and he's starting to realize it.

Last week, I took him out in back to the kiddie pool. Up until now, he's not been a big fan of water. He's been ok at Waynee World, but hasn't liked his bath or pools at all. I filled the pool with only a couple inches of water and sat him it, along with some squirty bath toys. He seemed to really like it! Or, it might be safer to say he didn't hate it. He played with the animals, and a few times he slipped and fell into the water (again, it wasn't deep, just enough to get him wet!) and he was ok with it all. I'm so happy about this! I really want him to be a kid who likes water. Next year, I hope to start some sort of swimming lessons at the local pool.

Jackson had a small mishap at Walmart last week. I had him in the cart with his cart protector around him. He was goofing around (and I was with him as well) and he banged his mouth on the bar in front of him. I don't know if he hit his chin and his tooth cut his upper gum, or if he actually hit the gum, but he started bleeding. Right there, in the middle of Walmart. It wasn't horrible looking and he cried for a bit, but being that this was in the mouth, it bled like crazy. Not buckets, but enough that it was noticeable. I kept wiping his mouth with my t-shirt and hoping no one would see it and call DCFS on me. There wasn't anything I could do, so I just kept shopping. He had stopped crying so it wasn't a big deal, but oh my, had anyone really noticed the blood on him, it could have looked very, very bad. I think he ended up opening up a new tooth--there's definitely something going on up there, and I think it's a tooth breaking through.

We're having a family picture taken in a few weeks at church. Anyone who knows me knows how much I hate having my picture taken. But I would really like to have a nice one of the 3 of us, so I'll suffer through it. It'll be our first formal pictures since our wedding (at least of Paul and me--Jackson's had formal ones taken a few times now).

We went to a great family party over the weekend where we got to meet Jackson's new cousin, Logan Dahlberg. He's a cutie and the 2 of them were dang cute together!

More soon!

Seven

I can't get over the fact my baby is 7 months old now!! He's doing so much new stuff. First, he's officially crawling. For so long, he would take a couple creeps, then drop to his stomach and army-crawl the rest of the way. He's finally, in the last week, just crawled the whole way he wants to go. He's also pulling himself up into a standing position. It takes a little effort for him, and he still falls quite a bit, but he's definitely standing! I figure it's just a matter of time before he's walking himself along furniture. He pretty much just stands in one place now.

He's such a funny kid, too. He laughs a lot at me, especially when I just simply look at him funnily. He's so much more interactive now, much to the delight of his father, who really didn't find him fun as a little baby. He ADORES Paul and lights up when he walks in the room. He also cries when he leaves the room, which causes a stir at lunchtime when Paul stops in for a half hour. Jackson definitely doesn't like the come-and-go approach of his daddy!

Jackson still does well with other people and hasn't shown any signs of separation anxiety. He does get left alone with people, mostly my mom and sister, but he willingly goes to the arms of anyone these days. I realize this may not last, but for now, he's happy with just about anyone.

It gives me such pleasure to see how much everyone loves him to bits!! My mom and sister especially spend a lot of time with him and love everything he does. They both babysit while I tutor on Tues and Thurs mornings, for which I'm eternally grateful. Even Paul's friends, the Whittenhalls, are madly in love with him. It's so fun to see that in other people, but I get a little put-off with those who show little to no interest in him! I guess I'm the one who's spoiled by all the attention. ☺

My tutoring job is just for the summer, probably another 6-7 weeks from now, and the money's good so at least I feel like I'm contributing a little to the household. I'm teaching ESL to a 16 year old who moved here in June from Germany. He's doing well and is a really nice kid! The lessons are long (3 hours at a time) and quite far from where I live, but it's good for me to have this break in my week. And good for Jackson to spend time with someone other than me!

We're headed up to Waynee World for our annual family weekend, so expect to see hundreds of pictures posted on my site next week! It'll be so much fun with Jackson up there. Hopefully, Mommy will get her usual amount of sun, but with a little one under foot, that might not happen....and that's ok. I'd rather have Jackson any day of the week!

Newness

Well, it seems my little wonder is starting to get the concept of crawling! He'll go 2-3 "crawling steps" before dropping to his stomach and army crawling. Slowly but surely, he's getting the idea. He also sat up by himself the other day--with the aide of a toy near him, but it still counts! He's been able to sit by himself for a few weeks now, but this was the first he actually put himself in that sitting position.

And the kisses!! Oh the kisses he loves to give. Last week was the first I noticed him doing it in response to my kisses. For about a month or more now, he's been doing this thing where he grabs my face on either side and plants his open mouth on my cheek, then releases. Usually, he's grabbing a handful of hair as well, or my ears, which isn't comfortable but once I realized what he was doing, I couldn't very well stop him. Sometimes, he'll just go right for my lips. Kinda weird being "tongued" by a baby. ☺ It's so sweet though, and I can't resist a good Jackson kiss! He does it to others as well. I really hope to have a wonderfully affectionate child!

Jackson's now eating 3 meals a day. He eats like a champ! There hasn't been anything that's totally turned him off. His sleeping habits sometimes leave a bit to be desired--he sleeps about 10 hours at night, though his napping is getting a little better--sometimes he'll go 1-2 hours at a time. He still has somewhat of a "newborn nap schedule" (every 2 hours), but that's getting better as well.

We got some adorable 6 month photos of him at JCPenney's. They did a fabulous job!!

We're finally having a patio put in the backyard. The guys came last week and dug dirt, put a wood form, and layed gravel in there, but we have yet to have any concrete poured. That was supposed to happen early this week, but we're expecting rain until Thursday, so I don't expect to see them before then. In the meantime, we have a form in the backyard and can't use the back door, which really sucks because we have to send Bailey to the front yard to do her business. Hopefully soon, we'll have this thing finished!

Time to get the little guy from his crib, where he's talking to himself right now (after his early morning nap). TOO CUTE!

Half a year!!

I can't believe my baby is 6 months old!! What a fantastic kid I have. WOW--so much personality! The past month has brought on lots of changes. At his doctor's appointment last Thursday, he weighed 20 lbs. 4.2 oz. and measured 27.5 inches long. He ranks in the 90th percentile for height and weight, so he's gone down a bit (he was off the charts at one visit early on).

Jackson's still not quite crawling or sitting up, but very close to both. He can "army crawl" using one arm to scoot himself forward, and he still rocks back and forth on all fours. He's soooo close to crawling and every time I think it's going to happen soon, it doesn't. I guess it'll happen in its own time!

Jackson is now eating so much! We started with avocado (he was eating 1/2 at a time!), and he's moved on to sweet potato, peas, and bananas. He still eats everything puréed (or very well- smooshed), but I hope soon we'll be able to intruduce a bit of texture. I'm certainly not rushing anything though! He still has only his bottom teeth, so chewing is out of the question. I bought him this mesh thing where you can put in whole food and he can "chew" it through the mesh. It's brilliant! I freeze pieces of banana and put those in there. He LOVES it!

We're making some of his food, but I'm not a fanatic about it. Paul would like me to be, but has relented because most baby foods are pretty much nothing but the food itself and water (i.e. jarred peas are nothing but peas and water). Paul decided to steam peaches for him last night, and that turned into a 2 hour ordeal that I don't think he'll be repeating any time soon.

Jackson YELLS A LOT!! We're a pretty noisy household anyway, so he fits right in. He yells when he's happy and when he's not. He doesn't discriminate when it comes to yelling. I love it when he talks to himself--sometimes, I listen to him when he's in his crib after waking up in the morning or after a nap, and he just mumbles quietly to himself. There's no greater sound than a happy Jackson!

I'm still staying at home and won't be teaching in the fall. I guess the community college found someone better to replace me. I'm sad about it as I'd love to keep up with my French, but at the same time, I do love being home with Jackson! We go on walks, and spend some time outside (when it's not blazing hot), and he's an absolute joy most of the time. I love watching him learn and discover new things. I'd love to find a part-time position, mainly because it's strange for me not to be bringing in any money to the household, but Paul never makes me feel bad about this. For that, I'm grateful!!

There are lots of pictures posted on my photo site! Enjoy!!

YES, this is how I entertain my son. Not all the time, just when I think he needs a break from the usual toys--the exersaucer, the Jumperoo, the chunnel (his exploration tunnel). He enjoys this on-the-floor toy but can't sit yet to play with it. He scoots forward, but that still doesn't lend well to playing. SO...it's in the laundry basket he goes. As long as he's happy, his mommy's happy.

Jackson just started being able to go forward, and the last few days I've given him ample opportunity to practice that. He will get up on all fours and rock back and forth, but he's not yet crawling. Sitting seems to be a long way off (longer than crawling), but he'll sit if propped up, at least until he rolls himself to the side and scoots off.

We're having trouble getting him to nap. He still does the half-hour naps all day long, but they really don't seem to be enough for him. I guess if he needed more, he'd just sleep longer. I, of course, can get nothing done in that half hour. I've given up starting any new projects. I can usually get laundry started, which is something.

Speaking of half hour naps, he just finished one so I'm off to see the wizard....

2 Months? Really?

Ok, it's been WAY too long since I last updated. I'm on Facebook more than this blog, but I'd really like to change that. I'd like to have some record of what Jackson's been up to, what he does, etc. and this seems to be the most logical place to do that.

So what is Jackson like these days? Since my last post, the world has changed. He rolls over, scoots (mostly backwards), eats cereal like a champ, blabbles all the time, and is the love of my life. He's more interactive now, which makes him much more fun (especially for his daddy). I look at him everyday and wonder how I got so lucky. I'm taking none of this for granted!

Jackson eats twice a day. Right now, he's still eating cereal, but I think I'm going to start him on real food after this week. We'll start with veggies--Paul insists on nothing sweet to start with for fear he won't eat other things after. In some ways, I agree, but I'll sneak in a few things here and there. He's doing well with cereal though--getting used to the spoon and food in his mouth. It took a while for that to happen, longer than I would have imagined.

Jackson has 2 bottom teeth! They started coming in almost at the same time (discovered May 2nd and 4th). They've both broken through the skin so they don't bother him as much now, but they sure did in the beginning. What's funny is to see his little tongue moving around them--I know he feels the teeth there and is trying to figure out what's going on.

Play time is getting trickier. I bought a Jumperoo for him a few weeks ago, and he likes it but not as much as I would have thought. He LOVES his exersaucer and will spend more time in that. I've been putting him on the floor more lately. He still isn't sitting up without help, so I figured it would be good for him to practice that. He has lots of toys for floor playing, so he's getting more and more play time with those.

He sleeps mostly through the night. We try to get him down between 8-8:30pm, and he'll sleep until about 4:30am, sometimes a bit later. Napping during the say is weird though. He'll usually take a good morning nap, but between about 11am-3pm, he'll sleep a couple times for 30 minutes each time. He seems to need to go down for a nap about 90 minutes after he wakes up from the last one. I try to stretch it out but he gets so cranky that it doesn't go long beyond that.

He's such a love. He has a gentle touch most of the time, and loves to put his hands on my face. He'll put my chin in his mouth, or he'll suck my cheek, which is hysterical! I know I'm going to get a hickey from him one of these days.

Mother's Day was nice--we spent a good part of the day at Paul's sister's, where the boys cook breakfast for the girls. It was nice, but I'm looking forward to spending MD at home starting next year. It's MY DAY and I intend to be selfish with it!

Hopefully I won't go so long between posts! I'll likely make them shorter and tell about what he's doing at a given point. I'd love to post a video, if I can figure out how to do that. We have some really good ones!

Shake, rattle, and ROLL!

Voting for Jackson ended soon after I sent out my mass emailing. He came in 15th, which is pretty decent considering there were thousands entered! He's still #1 in my book though.

Jackson accomplished a major feat today--he rolled from his tummy to his back for the first time! It was so exciting! It was a real roll, too...not just one aided by the mommy. He didn't seem as excited as I did. I got him to roll again later in his crib after a nap. I'm kind of hoping Daddy will agree to let him sleep on his stomach from here on out.

I've been feeling a little unappreciated lately. This stay-at-home mom business is great but exhausting. I mean, I'm at home all day...can't be that bad, right? I do love it, but it can really be fatiguing at times. I really like when Paul's home and can take over (after work and on weekends), however he needs time, too, to get things done (pay bills, do paperwork, etc). When he takes a weekend day to do it, it really throws me off. I love Jackson with all my heart and soul, but sometimes, the mommy just needs a little break. Thank goodness Grandma comes once a week to watch him so I can run errands!!

More soon!

Vote for Jackson!

Click here to vote for Jackson!

Vote for Jackson for cutest baby! You can do that by clicking here.

My baby's growing up!

I can't believe it's been 3 months since I gave birth to the most wonderful little boy in the world! He's really growing up and I love that I get to watch him grow everyday. These days, Jackson's getting more and more on a decent sleeping routine. He gets up, eats, plays, and goes back to sleep about 90 minutes after waking up the last time. He's also sleeping longer at night--this has only been going on for about a week now, but it looks like this is becoming the "norm" around here. VERY exciting!

I'm still pumping (I've decided to go another month) so he's getting about 3 oz. breast milk and 2-3 oz. formula in each bottle (right now, he's getting about 5.5 oz. total). I've been sneaking in an occasional tablespoon of rice cereal in a few bottles (only 2 per day, usually morning and afternoon, and never 2 in a row--I skip one in between...don't ask me why...). He still eats about every 3 hours and occasionally, he needs a boost--an extra 2-3 oz. at a feeding, if he shows he's still hungry.

His personality is incredible!! He's a funny kid who loves to scream (with delight!) and talk and jabber like crazy. He still talks to the ceiling fan. Mornings are the best time--he's usually in a really good mood when he wakes up and after he eats. He talks non-stop when on the changing table and loves to talk LOUD. It's so funny! I love watching his little tongue when he's at his loudest--it's the funniest sight!

He's able to see and respond more and more. He's starting to enjoy sitting in the bouncy seat, and will even spend a little time in his exploration tunnel. He's not yet able to reach out and grab things, but he's getting close! He's also getting closer to rolling from his stomach to back. Not quite there yet, but he'll be there soon.

I'm not exactly sure what he weighs, but I'd guess around 17 pounds. He's wearing 3-6 month clothes but I'm guessing in the next couple of weeks, he'll be in 6-9 months. I'm banking on him being in 12 month clothing by summer. I've had to return a lot of things people have given us so I have return credit at a bunch of stores. This will come in handy when stocking up on clothes later! He's still wearing size 2 diapers, but he's going to be on his way out of those in the next few weeks. I've got a package of size 3 and they look so big!!

I'll be taking pictures of him this afternoon so watch for those!!