Officially

I'm not pregnant. I went in for the blood draw this morning and they called this afternoon with the results. I'm sad, but strangely at peace with this. I firmly believe that every feeling we have is a choice, and I'm choosing to be ok with this. I will always wish we'd had more---a slew of kids!---but we have one pretty terrific one, so now it's about being happy for that. And I am...extremely so! How lucky am I to have this kid? Easily the luckiest mom in the world!

So now, I'm done trying. Oddly, it's a very freeing feeling! Oh, we may still try, but not like before. Yes, I did get pregnant once naturally, but look how well that turned out. NOT something I want to repeat...EVER. (by that, I mean the miscarriage part)

I'd rather just enjoy my life with my husband and sweet boy. I want to plan family vacations to Disney World and Paris and DC, and I want to spend the rest of my life watching the wonder in my child's eyes. I want to know that his heart skips a beat the first time he sees the Eiffel Tower, just as mine did 25+ years ago. I want to see him shriek with excitement at seeing Mickey Mouse and Donald Duck, and watch his eyes widen during the descent at the end of Splash Mountain. I want to take him to Lucca, Italy to see where his anscestors are from. I want to take pictures of him on his first day of school every year, and watch him master the water slides at the pool each summer. THESE are stuff my dreams are made of.

In a way, I feel like our life as a family is just now beginning. We're complete, and from here is a world of new discoveries, being a family of 3. And that's kinda cool!

Preliminary reports indicate...

Unfortunately, it looks as though Jackson will be an only child. While my official blood test isn't until Friday, all the pee tests to this point have been negative. When I was pregnant with Jackson, I knew several days before the official test (like, by now). I'm sad, but I'm ok with this and feel like at least now, I'll be sufficiently emotionally prepared to hear Friday's negative result. I'm thankful every day of my life that I have Jackson, so that's something to be VERY happy about!!

Now...it's on to other things. Like my poor office, which for the past 2 years has been horribly neglected in the hopes of turning it into another baby's room. Since that won't be happening, I've decided to turn it into....(wait for it)....AN OFFICE! That's my goal for this month, to have a real, functioning office by the start of September. I'd like to be able to see the carpet on the floor, and know in what bin I put every little craft item. Not too much to ask! Knowing how I am though, I fear there will be a lot of distractions (like cleaning out the guest room, and the linen closet, and the attic storage....), but I'm determined to stick to my office plan.

Enjoy this weather! We've had the house opened up for more than a week now, and it's wonderful to have some fresh air in here!

Ass in air...CHECK!

In the beginning, Jackson was the nubbin.

Baby #2 (who didn't make it) was the nugget.

Now, I introduce to you....NIBLET.

Yes, we have an embryo. Everything went smoothly this afternoon! We made our way downtown Chicago to 900 N. Michigan, bypassed the stores and headed up to Dr. Morris (who resembles Rahm Emanuel...and I pointed that out to him...), and got an embryotic deposit. DONE. We got home and I'm now spending the rest of today and most of tomorrow with my butt in the air. Not literally, but there's a pillow under there. I'm an incubator.

Now we wait. We'll have a bloodtest late next week, then one a few days later, and if all goes well, they'll keep close check on me until I'm "released" to my regular OB. Or this will all end next week. I'm bracing myself for that, but damn, it's not easy.

I won't lie---I want this to work. I REEEEEALLY want this to work. I keep remembering that the chances are so much lower with only one little niblet in there. I'll be pretty damned disappointed if this doesn't work.

I shouldn't have named it. But I did.

Keep your fingers crossed. My mom is coming tomorrow to spend the morning with Jackson until he goes down for a nap, then I'm on my own. I spent 48 hours on the couch the last time we went through this...this time is only 24. I just hope it's enough.

*sigh*

The BIG DAY!

Tomorrow's it! We head to the city in the late morning for an early afternoon transfer. Unfortunately, we found out our insurance doesn't cover the cost of the facility (the doc is covered, and this is the only place he does these things), so we'll have to pay a hefty fee---that's weighing heavily on me, especially since the chances of this working are so slim. I'd feel better about paying if we had 3 embryos going in, but it's just one. One lone little nugget hoping to stick.

Think positive thoughts for us!!

Down the barrel

We're now looking down the barrel at a transfer this Thursday! I'm nervous, scared, excited, and VERY hormonal all at the same time. And bloated. Let's not forget bloated. I have a quick ultrasound on Wednesday and if all goes well (and it's expected to), we'll be well on our way the next day. Auntie Ria will come watch the little one, and hopefully we can get Grandma to come take over things on Friday so I can keep my ass in the air (by the way, this isn't a requirement, but I did it when Jackson's embryo was implanted and I'm going to stick to my feeble theory!!).

This past weekend was a flurry of activity! We went to Waynee World with Paul's family. It was a fun time, though exhausting with 3 little kids running around. The weather didn't cooperate the whole time, so there was some rain to deal with, but we still had a good time. It's almost impossible NOT to have a good time at Waynee World!

While we were gone, Aunt Cake decided it would be a good time to get herself as sick as she could and admitted to a hospital. HELLO! Thankfully, it was a bad sinus and upper respiratory infection. I don't think any of us could handle another cancer diagnosis in the family.

I went for a meeting today with the Early Intervention people about having Jackson evaluated for his lack of speech. It seems like a great program and I think his evaluation will be in the next couple of weeks. I did learn that there could be some correlation between his lack of speech and his constant need to bite/chew everything he gets his hands on. I wouldn't have put those 2 things together, but I'm definitely eager to learn more!

New words: up, 'bo (elbow, or bib....sadly, this comes from Paul and I always calling his bib a "Bell Bib Devoe",. after the 80's music group Bell Biv Devoe), and help, which sounds an awful lot like up, but Paul swears he hears a distant "l" sound in there.

Keep all fingers crossed for Thursday!!!

Transfer

Sounds like the embryo transfer won't happen until about August 11th. They're always done on Thursday afternoons, and it definitely won't be this next one, so it'll likely be the one after that. I had an ultrasound done the other day and there was fluid (AGAIN!) in the uterus, so they'll keep an eye on that when I go back this Tuesday. Hopefully, it won't be a problem. I swear, if we have to postpone this transfer one more month, I'll go crazy! And broke---Lupron is in shortage, and the only kind available is one that isn't covered by insurance, so that would be $140 out of pocket. That would NOT make me happy.

Busy weekend---bridal shower today for Paul's cousin, then a BBQ at his sister's tomorrow. Hoping for good weather for both!

HOT HOT HOT

It's HOT here! But honestly, I love this weather. Granted, I spend a lot of time indoors in the air conditioning, but it doesn't bother me to get outside. Even the rainy days don't bother me. Nothing does as much as snow, so I'll take this anytime!

It's crazy late here tonight but I'm still awake. Paul's playing poker downstairs with some friends of his, so it'll be a late night for both of us. Last night, we were awakened by massive thunderstorms, which normally I really like...except at 2am. It was LOUD and made even worse by the power outages. Each time the power came back on, our fancy-shmancy smoke detectors beeped a thousand times. There's one located in the hallway upstairs, so it was LOUUUUUD and obnoxious. Oddly, despite this, Jackson wasn't bothered by it. Or if he was, he didn't share his displeasure with his parents. We didn't hear a peep out of him all night. I can't imagine he slept through it, though he never made a sound all night and even managed to sleep in until 8am!

This has been such a fun month with him. There are so many new things he's doing, some of which he may have been doing all along but I haven't noticed them until lately like running. He runs! He's not fast, and he's a little clumsy, but it's really running he's doing! He also does little things like knocks on doors and waves good-bye (all the time, which he never did this much). Kate said that he's probably understanding teh concept of leaving and then coming back, which makes sense. I don't know how much he really GOT that before. He seems to get it now, and he likes when we're out and I say we're going back home. I can tell he understands that.

He's also throwing more tantrums. Specifically, these involve him screaming at the top of his lungs when he doesn't get something he wants or is told to stop doing something he shouldn't be. He'll just turn around to me and let out a piercing scream. And I just keep ignoring the screams, which doesn't really diminish them as I'd hoped. I kind of enjoy watching his little tongue quiver when he screams. I get a kick out of that! Plus, it helps me stay calm and not scream back at him.

We're headed to Waynee World in a few weeks with Paul's family (sister and her family, and brother). Should be a good time! Hopefully a little less stressful than our big Baumann weekend, though I'll miss having someone to "shower" with in the lake. HAHA! It's something Kate and I have done for several years. We're both kind of against showering in the house (not always easy to do with one bathroom, plus it just seems a little rude to me...) so we lather in the lake. Fun times in the name of cleanliness. Jackson LOVED the lake the last time we were there, so I expect the same. I'm just hoping I don't have an embryo transfer right before then---I fear I might be reluctant to get my uterus anywhere near a lake...plus, I wouldn't mind drinking a bit that weekend. Keep your fingers crossed that it's the week after!!

Enjoy the heat!!

Healthy heart!

Jackson has a perfect heart! We saw the pediatric cardiologist on Friday, who did another EKG and an ECHO and said his heart is perfect! He has a slight murmur, but it's something he may grow out of over time. We were relieved beyond words to hear the news!

In other great news, my SIL Maria had a bone scan last week that was also clear. YAY for healthy bodies in the family! Steve is still having a few issues and is on more meds, but he's still moving around well and able to do more than ever.

We're spending a quiet weekend at home, then headed to Waynee World next weekend. This might be my only summer vacation, so I'm going to ENJOY it as much as I can!

I have a new car! After 11 years, I'm now the proud owner of a 2011 Honda CR-V (my second). It's been a great car, so why ruin a good thing? The new one is so nice with so many features I didn't know existed. Since Paul and I have to go to WW separately, we figured it was time to put me in a car we knew would make it. Haha! The old one will be donated to a needy family, maybe one in Joplin, MO, and that makes me feel really good!

Enjoy the beautiful weather!!!

The best and the worst.

I don't know that I've ever mentioned how Jackson and I watch Sesame Street together. We have this "thing" where we both sit on the couch and watch, and he's snuggled up against me. It's the sweetest thing and I have to say, he has a hard time sitting and watching by himself! I don't use the TV as a babysitter---he just won't sit quietly alone, but if I sit down, he'll sidle over and snuggle up against my left side, and I sit with my arm around him. It's incredibly sweet and, while it prevents me from getting any work done, it's most definitely worth it!! I don't know how long he'll continue it, but I enjoy it each time as if it's the last.

We had some bad news today. Last week, Jackson had an EKG. His pediatrician had noticed a slight heart murmur (which she'd noticed last year a couple times when he had colds) at his 18 month appt. She said she wanted to send him for an EKG just to make sure it's nothing serious. Today, I got the call that, after review, it was determined that Jackson MIGHT have possible right ventricular hypertrophy, and it was recommended that we visit the pediatric cardiologist who reviewed his EKG, so we have an appt with him this coming Friday afternoon.

Needless to say, I was quite a mess this afternoon (thanks, Aunt Cake, for talking me down off the ledge!). I feel guilt as if I've done something to worsen this situation (though I'm pretty sure I didn't cause it)---putting him cold water during swimming lessons, that sort of thing. After some research and talking to people, I'm a bit calmer now, though still incredibly worried. I've heard different things like EKG readings aren't always accurate for detecting this sort of problem, and this isn't a death sentence...he'll still lead a normal life. Still, it's so scary, more than I can ever describe. I'm going to stop typing about it now or I'll get upset all over again.

On a happier note, I'm finally getting a new car. It'll be a 2011 Honda CR-V. I've had my 2000 CR-V for 11 years now and it's been a GREAT car, so it makes perfect sense to continue with the same thing. We went to a dealership today (from whom we'll get a great deal) but they didn't have one in stock, so now it's a waiting game. If they find one at another dealer, they'll get that one for me and I might have it in a few days. If not, they'll order me one, which could take up to 8 weeks. I requested a light blue color and no second choice. I wasn't able to choose my color last time (and we know how THAT turned out!), so I'm allowing myself to be a little picky this time around! I test drove one tonight and it was so nice and quiet! For those who don't know, the muffler on my current car is hanging by a thread and no longer connected where it should be. I'm hoping to get the new car before we go to Waynee World next week.

Speaking of WW, I'm excited beyond words to go! This is my only vacation this summer, and I definitely need it. We all do! Oren will be staying with Rosie, who I'm hoping doesn't plan to leave him tied up in the backyard the whole time. He needs to be walked twice a day (so different from the other 3 dogs before him!!), so I'm hoping Steve can carry that burden. We used to take Bailey to WW, but Oren's a much different dog---good in so many ways, but he's not quite WW ready!

Enjoy the weather!

Postponed.

Our current cycle has been postponed. There was fluid in my uterus that was blocking where an embryo would go, so the transfer we were going to have next week has been put off. I'm fine with this---I want everything to be perfect for this, and I'm in no hurry to get this done, so we'll wait until after my next period to start the process over. That part kind of sucks...having been through the drugs we have been just to have to start over, but it'll be worth the wait in the long run to have a cleared area.

That's all for now! Looking forward to a fun weekend at Waynee World in a few weeks!!

Human pin cushion.

Oh, I forgot how much fun it is to shoot hormones into my abdomen! Man, this shit sucks, but I keep reminding myself of the potential long-term goal here. Or maybe it's a short-term goal...I don't know anymore. They're upping my hormone doses so I'll be in even better moods in the next week or so. The expected embryo transfer date is Thursday, June 30th in the afternoon. Paul will take me, Aunt Cake will be watching Jackson, and I'll spend a glorious 18 hours with my butt in the air in an attempt to help this little sucker stick. We now have a clean playing field, so I'm trying to remain hopeful.

I don't want to be pessimistic about this. I'm trying to be positive, but I know myself enough to know that I can't let my hopes get too high. Do I expect this to work? Not really. I have hope that it will, but I have to remain guarded in the event it doesn't. It makes me incredibly sad that this could be our last shot at a second child. I want so bad for Jackson to have a sibling.

Jackson has been so fun lately! We started his tumbling class this week and sadly, I was disappointed in it. It was unstructured, and we spent 30 minutes playing in a room filled with mats and some kid-sized gymnastic equipment. No activities, nothing. It was so different from his awesome Tot Rocks class, which was planned down to the minute with activities! I'll give this one more shot before making any radical decisions.

I'm now taking a yoga class on Mondays, and I love it! I was in Zumba, which was a good class but VERY aerobic-centered. I have no rhythm and can't dance, and felt a little like a bumbling fool in there (though I was happy to be neither the oldest or largest in class!). I also had horrible neck spasms for the 2 weeks I was in it. Yoga is definitely more my speed. I still sweat like a piggie and, 2 days later, I'm still sore, but it was GOOD. I'll stick with this one!

Jackson starts swimming lessons next week (M-F, then the following M-W), so we'll be BUSY! It sometimes takes so much effort to take him somewhere that I feel like it blows half the day. Add to that the appointments at Dr. Morris' office and I feel like I'm running my ass off every single day. Thankfully, my neighbor is taking Jackson one morning so I don't have to take him to sit in the tiny room with me while I have a wand up my hoo-ha. They have a little girl his age who loves to play with him!

More later...

Clean playing field.

From the sounds of it, my hysteroscopy was a success!! Nothing but some cobwebs in there. The doc did tell Paul that they probably would have expelled on their own after a future period, which makes me wonder why we went through all this to begin with, but I really don't care---as long as the area is clean and ready for a baby, that's all that matters.

One funny story---when Paul came into the room after the whole thing was over, he was asking me questions and said I seemed lucid and was answering and responding to him. He told me what he was told, then said that a minute later, I asked him again what had happened. He laughed, then started to wonder, so he asked me who the president of the USA was, and I responded with a very clear, "Jackson Ambrose." He wasn't sure if I was joking or not. The thing is, I don't remember a single thing about any of this.

I believe I start taking estrogen tonight, and approximately 2-3 weeks later will be our frozen embryo transfer. Keep all fingers crossed!!!

Reactions.

Poor Jackson had 3 full days of fevers because of that DTaP vaccine last Friday! Saturday, Sunday, and Monday were a haze of Motrin and Tylenol. No one could really do anything beyond that. Today (Tues), he's better but has sneezed a couple times, and his nose is a little bit runny, but that could be because he's a serious whiner-49er today.

Let me say for the written record...I CANNOT WAIT for this child to begin speaking!! I'm so tired of the whining. He has a special one where he goes up and down the musical ladder. That one just grates on my nerves! In the immortal words of Aunt Cake, "USE WORDS!" Everyone keeps telling me that once he starts speaking, I'm going to wish he would go back to not, but NOPE! No way! I want real words coming out of his beautiful puffy lips.

Surgery on Friday, then a nice QUIET weekend at home! I can't remember the last time we had a weekend with no plans. I'm looking so forward to it!

Friday

Looks like my "surgery" is scheduled for this coming Friday at 12:30pm. Aunt Cake is coming to watch the wee one, and Paul will be with me at the surgery center.


I went in this morning for blood and an ultrasound (my ovaries have to be surpressed to do the surgery, so they were checking to make sure they were, and they are). It occured to me on the way to the office today that whatever's in my uterus might have factored into my miscarriage last year. I asked the nurse about it after my u/s and she said yes, it's a possibility, but there's no way to know for sure unless the embryo had been tested after my D&C. I don't remember if it had been (she added that they normally are tested), so I might check with the office this week to see what they have to say about it.


If it turns out this was an issue, I have hope that there's a chance we may get pregnant on our own later. This is assuming this frozen cycle doesn't work. I have hope that it will, but I'm trying not to get my hopes too far up. I'm being realistic (some might call it pessimistic) about it, mostly so I don't get my heart broken if/when it doesn't work. I'd love if it did, but I can't expect it to. However, getting this polyp (or whatever it is) out might be the trick to us having another. For that, I have HOPE!


Jackson went to the doctor yesterday for his 18 month appt, and he's now 27.2 lbs. and 33.5 inches long (up 2 pounds and 1.5 inches). He's doing really well and is thankfully healthy, though today he's been fighting a fever (likely a reaction to his vaccine yesterday. It got pretty bad---up to 104.4,. which really flipped me out, but I know it's because of the vaccine and I just have to wait it out. He's acting pretty normal otherwise!


Tomorrow, Nonno comes to help plant the garden in back. YAY! I can't wait for some good, fresh tomatoes!

Twists and turns.

I can't believe it's the end of May already! It's been an activity-filled month with birthday parties, Mother's Day, family gatherings, etc. June and July are looking to be about the same, too. Crazy what summers are like around here!


Paul and I have started the process to have our last remaining frozen embryo transferred. We've hit one snag already. I went for a hysterosonogram this past weekend (where he checks out the uterus to make sure it's a safe haven) and the doctor found an abnormality. He doesn't seem too concerned about it but it does need to be checked out, so at some point in mid-June, I'll have "surgery" on it. I hesitate to call it surgery (that's what they call it) because they're not cutting into me, though I guess they may be cutting something out of me, so that could qualify. I'm still on course with all the drugs to go through with the transfer, so it's not thought that this is serious, but I'll still need to be knocked out for it. I'll have Paul there to take me that day, and someone will watch Jackson (likely my sister). I'm not really too worried...or likely, I have too much else on my mind to really give it too much thought.


As of right now, I'm hopped up on the BC pill and Lupron (shots). Been a few years since I've done all this but it's like riding a bike. If all goes well, we'll probably have a transfer in mid-June and we should know by the end of June if it's worked. It's kind of our last resort--if this doesn't work, we're done and Jackson will be a very spoiled only child. ☺


Next month is going to be so SUPER busy! I start an exercise class (just once a week through the park district), Jackson will have swim lessons and tumbling, and the pool opens! I got a pool pass for just myself--Paul isn't really interested in the water and swimming, so this will be something I can do with Jackson during the day. I'm actually pretty excited! I think it'll be fun to hang out with him all day (which is pretty much what I do now, but at home).

SO HAPPY to have warm weather again!!